I surrender I survive
by Spookysstarbuck
Summary: UPDATED: chapter 8 ... Harm and Mac? How could things go on? -- FINALLY UPDATED
1. Part 1

Title: I surrender ... I survive (Part 1)   
Author: Mary Eve Parker   
Feedback: always welcome ;) ms.parker(at)gmx.net  
Category: AU, Harm/Renee, Babyfic, Harm/Mac? Spoilers: None Note: I put it into an alternative universe because it doesn't fit into anything else.  
  
AJ was going to turn five in 4 months and Mac couldn't stop thinking about the arrangement, the deal, she had with Harm. To be honest with herself she was waiting for this birthday to arrive, she was waiting to work on the deal.  
  
Not just once she had been looking at the windows of a baby shop, noticing all those cute tiny overalls, the strollers and the different types of cribs. She even had given the name thing a thought – since it was a deal, just to get a baby together, none of being in a relationship, she would name the baby Harm. Harmon Raphael McKenzie-Rabb. She would do it, not thinking about the consequences. She'd give a damn about it. Yes, Mac felt her biological clock going down. She felt it every time her menstruation came – one month less.  
  
"Hey sailor," she said with a smile playing on her lips when she stepped into Harm's office. He looked up from a file and smiled back. "Do you want to get over the Steiner case after dinner tomorrow?" Since it was Friday and she had no plans for the weekend, she wanted to make sure that they would spend some time together. They would also need to go over the case, but since their friendship was re-establish, Brumby away and Renee gone, things have been different. Firstly they haven't been close; there had been miles in between, but now, after Webb was gone too – killed by a grenade in Chechnya – they had become closer again, slowly. Everybody she had ever cared for was gone, except for Harm. And Harm had been a friend when she needed one – the day they had been informed that Webb had been killed, he had hold her, let her cry at his shoulder - another friend of hers whom she has to stand by at the funeral. Mac wasn't sure yet if he has forgotten about the baby deal or not, but there hasn't been the right moment yet to talk about it.  
  
"Sure whatever you want. Pizza," Harm suggested.   
"Well I thought about cooking since its weekend," she replied, her eyes smiling.   
"Oh ..."   
"I can cook, and I even know some meatless dishes."  
"Really ...?" "Sure, but if you don't want, I can also order some Chinese." He noticed the hurt look in her eyes, which had been smiling brightly before.   
"No go ahead, surprise me Marine."   
"Sure sailor, sure."  
  
Mac spent the whole Saturday morning shopping for the right grocery she would need for the veggie soup and the meatless chilli. He loved chilli, especially the one grandma Sarah had cooked for him. She remembered the day when he came home from a weekend, the seat next to him full of Chilli containers from his grandma. He didn't even want to share it with her at first, but after a long talk, she was allowed to try a spoon.  
  
In the middle of chopping onions the telephone rang. Mac quickly wiped her hands in the apron and headed for the phone.   
"Mackenzie."   
"Hey Mac it's me."  
"Hello Jarhead what's up?"  
"I am sorry but I have to cancel tonight, something got in between. Maybe tomorrow?"   
"Sure," she tried to sound like normal, but it didn't work. He heard the sadness, the disappointment.   
"I am really sorry Mac, but it's important."   
"Okay, I didn't say anything. Just go get your stuff done. See you on Monday."   
That's all she said before she put the phone down into the aisle and headed to the kitchen, threw all the vegetables into the bin, cleaned the kitchen and sat down in front of her TV. One night less with him, one possibility less to speak with him about this deal. This was him, Harmon Rabb Jr., the only man who was able to disappoint her at the moment.  
  
It was just 2 am, she was sitting at home on a Saturday – what happened to her life? No men, little friends, nearly no hobbies. She quickly changed into shorts, sport bra and a long sleeves shirt, grabbed her running shoes, the marine sweater and went for a run.  
  
She ran and ran and ran. She felt exhausted but she didn't stop – not yet. She kept running. The bottle of water she had taken with her was already empty; she was wet, her breathing was rigid. This woman wasn't thinking about the fact that she would have to run all the way back too. She wasn't thinking about her body, her exhaustion. At a small kiosk she bought a bottle of water, and realised where she was. Her legs hurt, her back too. She had left her cell phone at home. With the last coins she called the so familiar number of Harm. But the voice who answered it wasn't his. It wasn't male. But it sound familiar. Renee. After the third "hello" from the other side, she hung up and leaned with all her weight against the phone. Harm has cancelled because of Renee. It was important for him. Renee. Now not just her legs and back hurt, also her heart. It felt like somebody would rip it out, not taking care anymore.  
  
Monday came faster than Mac wanted it. She hadn't finished thinking about all the new things she just realised. She realised that she would never be the number one for Rabb, never, but a baby would. He would never ever let somebody raise a baby without a father. Never.  
  
He wasn't coming in on Monday; she didn't see him on Tuesday either. On Wednesday they were in court all day and had no time to talk privately. And then, after the too long session, he was away, too quick for her.  
  
Renee was back – she told herself over and over again.  
  
A week passed and another one and they were not getting closer anymore. Mac tried more than once to talk with him about a case or what to give AJ for his birthday but Harm, Harm wasn't "Harm" anymore. He had changed. He seemed to be happy, at least. But she wasn't. The fact that Renee was back was torturing her but she couldn't change it. Harm hasn't told her yet that they were together again, officially, but there were rumours. Has she lost her best friend already to this blond bimbo? Has she lost the father of her unborn child?  
  
It has been two months now since he had cancelled the dinner. Two months of torture, of sadness, a loss of self-confidence. She wasn't feeling well. She wasn't the same powerful lawyer and marine has been all the years before. She didn't even really care about all the cases anymore. Mac was doing her job, well as always. She didn't want to be talked about behind her back. She won most of them because she knew the drill and there was no case in which was running with Harm now.  
  
There was a knocking on her office door which got her out of her thoughts, made her realise that she hadn't even read the second paragraph of the file yet.  
  
"Yes," she said slowly. "The staff meeting just started. The Admiral sent me to get you." "Oh sorry, I was reading this new case; I must have forgotten the time."  
  
Harriet had sensed hat something wasn't right but this was so unusual for the Colonel!  
  
She entered the conference room and everybody was already waiting for them.  
  
"Sorry Admiral I've been on the phone with witness." "It's only been five minutes Colonel. Take a seat."  
  
She sat down, next to Harm, her fingers playing with the ham of her uniform blouse. She knew that everybody wondered why exactly she was late, the one with the intern clock. But somehow, everybody seemed to be occupied with other thoughts.  
  
"There is your new case Colonel – Eleanor Anderson claims that she has been raped by Lt. Wolff 5 months ago and that the child she is carrying is his." He handed her the file and handed out all the others, asked them about their actual cases. She was only half listening to is words, her hands still on the case file when the Admiral suddenly stopped and Harm stood up.  
  
"Like the Admiral said, I have to make an announcement." She noticed him taking a deep breath, "I will become a dad. Renee and I will become a baby. We are 4 weeks along."  
  
Everybody congratulated him, except Mac. When he turned around after Harried gave him a big hug, she was away. Harm had wanted to speak to her before but there was never the right moment. She seemed to be busy and not caring about him anymore. But he couldn't blame her for it. He knew that since the Saturday he had cancelled things have been different, very different.  
  
He went home that night to Renee who had moved in with him from one day to the other but the only thing he wanted was to talk to Mac. Tell her that he was sorry to let her know that way. Renee seemed to be happy with the actual situation. She made her home at his place telling him day by day that they would need some place bigger, with a backyard. Be he wasn't ready for it yet, not ready to give in, and ready to lose his bachelor status.  
  
When Renee was asleep, soundly like always in his big bed, he dialled Mac's number –speed dial one on his cell. He needed to talk to her. But nobody picked up. Without even thinking he put on some jeans and a sweater and drove to Georgetown. The windows were dark. No need to over think it, he took two stairs at one and knocked on her door. Nobody opened. No sound from behind. She wasn't home. Slowly he pulled his key set from his jacket and unlocked the door. Nobody was there and it didn't seem like somebody had been home all day. Jingo greeted him and after controlling her bedroom, he feed Jingo – knowing too well where everything was stored in this flat – and left again. He had hoped to find her home, to talk to her, to clear things. He needed to talk to somebody and the only person Harm could think of was Mac. She has always been the only one.  
  
But before he left he saw her calendar open on the coffee table. "AJ's 5th Birthday" – the date of May 18 was thick red encircled. He had nearly forgotten about it in all that joy about Renee's pregnancy. Not even two months left and he needed to pick a present. Maybe this could be a good reason to talk to her, to get her talk to him!  
  
The room was filled with soft sun; Mac heard a bird singing in front of her window. It was weekend and she had never spent such a lot of time in bed thinking. She realised that she wanted a child, that she wanted one now. She wasn't getting any younger! Being 37 years old was very near at 40, and time was running. Running fast!  
  
Over the internet she had searched for some sperm banks. Firstly she had thought about a one night stand but this wasn't her, not anymore. She didn't want anybody inside her, at least not now. And a sperm bank seemed to be a sterile place. The whole process didn't seem to be very complicated. It seemed at least easier than to get herself to sleep with a foreigner. Somebody of the JAG crew? Of course not. She didn't want anybody to talk about her, about her decision.  
  
At work everybody had been so happy for Harm that afternoon, every smiled and hugged him. But she couldn't. She couldn't tell him that it was great news. That it was fantastic that he would become the father of Renee's child. Not her's. She had been thankful that there were so many around and that she could slip out without making a scene. But Mac had only been able to make it to the bathroom on the second floor till hot tears were running down her cheeks. Her breathing was hard and her heart breaking further. Knowing that he was about to become a daddy made her realise that she would look for another option, for an option to give some joy back to her life again. Some things never change – he had always been able to hurt her. Not just like rain and tax, but like pain, the feeling like somebody is ripping out your heart with his hands knowing that you are still alive.  
  
But the only thing which came up her mind in this situation was alcohol, the fact that she needs something to drink. Something hard and alcoholic. Vodka. Tequila.  
  
The moment she arrived at home she told herself that he wasn't worth getting back to alcohol, to the feeling of being lonely and more vulnerable. He wasn't about to win!  
  
It was May 18, a warm and sunny Friday. Harriet had invited the whole JAG family for little AJ's birthday party. Harm arrived with Renee on his arm and Mac half an hour later, Harriet realised that there was something very wrong. Mac was on the one side of the backyard, Harm and Renee on the other. No words spoken between them and Mac was avoiding Renee – it was too obvious.  
  
The only thing they all didn't know was that Mac had done the step, signed into this sperm bank. She had been told about the risks, the consequences for her life and everything. She had been old about the fact that there is a chance to get twins, a small one. She had been ask to think about all that.  
  
She had made her decisions a long time ago. Two days ago she got the results back. She was pregnant from an anonymous donor – from the description exactly what she wanted: tall, dark haired, brown eyes, a pilot. Mac had worked herself through two complete piles of donors before she found that one. She was pregnant, one and a half weeks. She had to take care of herself now, herself and the unborn inside her. Mac had bought her little godson the last Harry Potter movie on DVD, a new Marine sweater and the new play station game he had asked for.  
  
"You okay Colonel," Harriet asked Mac who leant against a tree watching AJ playing in his new sandbox. "Yes, and you know that you should call me Mac, we aren't in uniform." "Sure. You look a little pale." "Oh, I have a headache since I woke up today, but that's it." "You want to take something against it?" "No thanks, just being at the fresh air will help." "Sure ... tell me if you need anything."  
  
She had lied and it made her feel horrible, cheap – betraying a friend! But watching Harm and Renee made her sick. Renee clinched at Harm's arm. He hadn't even noticed her, not once. She played with AJ a little longer but before dinner she excused herself, telling Harriet that the headache wasn't any better and she wanted to lie down.  
  
When she left nobody was asking why, not even when AJ jun. ran towards her, throwing his arms around her neck, placing a kiss on her cheek, thanking her for the gifts. Nobody had said goodbye to her.  
  
But he had seen her, noticed her all afternoon. Harm had seen the way she was playing with AJ, trying not to stay near anybody. She hadn't been any talkative lately. To be exact they hadn't changed any private words since his announcement of fatherhood two months ago.  
  
Before she left, when AJ hugged her, he saw the tears in her eyes. And Harm wanted to know why, wanted to know why she was like this. Why she was escaped every time he tried to get towards her, to talk to her.  
  
It's been too month now and he hadn't had a chance to talk to her yet. A week ago he waited for her in her office, wanted to ask her out for dinner. But even with the file she was working on left on her desk and the coat on the hat stand - she didn't came back. Her office was cleaner than usual, not that it was dirty anytime, but everything seemed to be more sorted, little personal items left. Nothing to be exact. The one picture of them in Afghanistan which had been on her shelf for the last year; wasn't there anymore. There were no pictures anymore.  
  
He left nearly before 11pm without having the chance to speak to her.  
  
But she had seen him the moment she wanted to enter the office. She couldn't tell him, tell him that she was planning to leave, to leave everything behind. That she wasn't about to look back. Not that she had a new focus in her life.  
  
"Colonel you wanted to speak to me?" Her CO asked her, sitting in his leather chair. It was a Monday like every other too.   
"Yes." She handed him an envelope.   
"Please would you read this?" She said and sat down. AJ Chegwidden opened the envelope and read the few out printed lines.  
  
He put the letter down and stared at it, confused.  
  
"Why now Mac," he asked and she heard this personal touch of him in his voice.   
"Because I need to Admiral," she answered looking at her hands in her lap.   
"But why Mac? There haven't been any differences between you and Commander Rabb? And you are damn good in what you are doing. So tell me the reason!"   
He took a deep breath and focused on Mac's lips, noticing they were slightly trembling. She looked up, shyly.   
"I am pregnant," Mac responded softly.   
"But to be pregnant is no reason ... what? ... It's Rabb's?"  
"No it isn't."   
"Who is the father?"   
"Nobody you know."   
"Mac ..." "Please, no more questions."   
"Give me till Friday Mac, give me the chance to arrange a couple of things."   
"I ..." "You haven't told Rabb, haven't you?"   
"No," she whispered.   
"No party, nothing I guess. I want to leave without saying goodbye, telling them why you are leaving your 'family' behind?"   
"I have set my priorities. I just can't do it anymore."   
"How far along are you?"   
"5 weeks."   
"Nobody has told me that you are sick or anything."  
"Just nobody noticed." It slipped out faster than she wanted.

Nobody had noticed her regular tours to the bathroom during the morning ours – four sometimes 5 times. Nobody had said a word. On the one hand she was happy that she had been able to go "undercover" on the other side it showed her how much everybody cared.

"So your last day at work will be Friday 30th of June, next Friday. And please Mac, talk to Harm. I am telling you this as a friend."   
"And I answer as a friend Sir, I can't. I won't."   
"It's all about him again?"   
"Not everything is about Harmon Rabb, Sir."   
"But how does it come that both of his women are pregnant then?"   
"I don't know how it is about Renee but this has nothing to do with Harm," she replied slightly angry, one hand over her belly.   
"So if it isn't about him, why can't you tell him?"   
"He just doesn't need to know. At all it's not really any of your ..."   
"It is Mac because I am your friend." He stood up and sat down in the chair next to her.   
"You can't leave him like that after all you've been through together. You have been friends, you saved his six more than just once and now you want to leave him here without telling him?"

She tried to take a deep breath but the Admiral noticed that this wasn't easy for her. His normally so strong marine was shortly before breaking down. The whole façade she had built around herself so carefully during the last couple of weeks was about to break down.

"I just can't. I can't deal with him now or his pity or whatever he wants to give me. I made my decisions the day I conceived that child, no I made them before, and I want this child. I am not getting any younger and this is maybe my only chance at all. I am not 20 anymore. Everybody seems to get a life ..." And suddenly AJ noticed a tear escape her eye. His marine was crying, breaking down.  
"Oh, come here, Sarah," he said, pulled her towards him, hugging her tightly against his chest. She let all guards down and cried. She hadn't cried since the day Harm had announced that he was going to be a father, since that she'd been strong but the Admiral got behind those walls and broke them down – nobody else seem to care about them.   
"You didn't take this easily, the decision I mean. I know that you love your job," he softly touched her back.  
"Come let's talk. That's here isn't the right place. I want to help you, even if you leave us, you are part of the JAG family – you know," he said silently, more like a father than a CO. "I come to your place, you like Chinese don't you? Well I will bring some with me." She just nodded. "And now, there is the bathroom, fresh up a little bit."  
  
Nobody had noticed the red eyes when she came back from the Admiral's office. She quickly made her way to her office and was the rest of the day in court, with her very last case. Till the end of her JAG life she'd finish all the paper work which was left to do.  
  
All boxes were packed at home, and AJ like she was calling him now or he had made her call him to be exact, helped her to organise the transport to New York, to the house he had found in Rhode Island for her. It wasn't big, but big enough for her and the baby. He had helped her pack things, without asking any question. He had just been a friend.  
  
At the office everything was cleaned out by Friday night. Mac had been thankful to know that Harm was on a submarine for the next 4 days, so she wouldn't run into him. The moment the last person went home, she had packed the last items of hers into a box and left. Before she entered the elevator, she looked back, remembering all the happy times she had spend in here – all the sad ones too. Remembering the day they thought Harm would be dead, before her rehearsal dinner. The day AJ jun. was born. The day Harm had hugged her in his office before he left for the Patrick Henry. Remembering the smell, the calmness and the familiarity of it. Then she took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a very moment and stepped into the elevator. Left.  
  
Harm came back from his investigation and called Mac's number because he needed information on Lt. Samantha Ericsson who was a former friend of Mac's, just to get the information that this number no longer exists. Harm sensed that something wasn't right. That something was absolutely wrong! He drove to her apartment – it was empty. He got anxious. Nervously sweating, he drove to the JAG headquarter, going over some red lights, and her office was empty. Nobody was here anymore; it was already 8 pm and a "normal" Monday. The office was empty, only a set of pencils left next to her empty desk. Afraid of what might have happened he ran into his office to find no note, nothing. He went to the Admiral's but nobody was there. When he got himself together, he called the Admiral.  
  
"Chegwidden," he answered.   
"Where is Colonel Mackenzie?" He heard the older man take a deep breath on the other side of the line.   
"She left Harm."   
"What?"   
"You understood me quite well, she left."   
"She can't leave like this!" Tears were streaming into Harm's eyes. "But she did."   
"Where ... where is she?"   
"I don't know." AJ knew it, very well indeed, but he had to swear not to tell anybody. And the last person who should know it was Harmon Rabb Jr. She didn't want him around, at least not now. Harm sank down on the floor, crying. She had left him. Left him behind.  
  
The admiral had helped her to get a job in a lawyer's office. The owner was an old friend of his, a former Seal too, but decided to leave the army after Vietnam. When she arrived she was welcomed with open arms. They knew from day one that she was pregnant and it didn't take long, just 5 more weeks and she started to show.  
  
Mac's only contact to her former "family" was AJ who visited her from time to time on the weekends. And Harm's email, how could she forget about those?  
  
Today, the first day of September, she sat down at home to work a little on the PC, get some reports done; she got the message "you've got mail". Knowing at it could only be him, she slowly opened the program.  
  
_From: Harmon.Rabbjag.gov Date: August 20th   
To: Ninjagirlyahoo.com   
Dear Sarah, I am not sure if you read your emails, or if you still have this account. Since I never get any reports back, I will keep sending my messages to you this way. Even if you do not answer them.   
I really hoped that you would attend my wedding; it was my only wish for this day. I wanted you to be there and I waited but you didn't come. I wanted you to come. I wanted you to be there. I wanted to speak to you. If you should be interested, Renee's pregnancy is going along well.   
She is now 22 weeks along and everything seems to be fine. We will get a boy, that's what the ultrasound said at least. Renee wants to name him Harmon but it just doesn't feel right to me. I have this feeling that Harm isn't the right name for him. I don't know where you are Sarah but I wish you would be here.   
God, I can't tell you how much I miss you, my best friend. The smell of Beltway Burgers and dead animal pizza I am not sure if I am disappointed, mad or if I am sad about the fact that you left without telling me, not leaving me a note or anything. I want to know the reason. What I did wrong!   
Harriet and the rest are blaming me for it and I start to do it too. Renee hates me for it but maybe it's because of those pregnancy hormones that she is like that. I wish I could tell you everything but why write it down here if I am not even sure that you read it. Why tell you about my heart if I can't be sure that its read?   
F.L., H._  
  
She hadn't read that either. She didn't want to read any of his mails. She had left him behind and she didn't need to be remembered, to think about him. About her dreams which had been destroyed or anything other.  
  
_From: Harmon.Rabbjag.gov Date: September 1st   
To: Ninjagirlyahoo.com   
Dear Sarah, I have this feeling deep inside that you are reading those mails, even if you aren't replying. But it gives me the feeling that you are doing fine. Renee is now 24 weeks along but not much showing. The wedding is over and she somehow fell into this marriage couple play. I don't blame her for anything, that she is tired or so but I have a lot to do since you are away. You not being at JAG anymore keep me busy. I don't send you any wedding pictures but I thought about it but it's no good idea since you refused to come to the wedding, so you aren't interested in them either.   
__AJ asked a lot for you lately, he really misses you and I would lie if I say that nobody else is missing you here. I wanted to share my luck with you but you aren't interested anymore, into anything involving "your family". I thought that we were family. I thought that we are as important to you as you are to us. But, it's obvious that you think differently. I don't care where you are now. If you are not giving me your address, telephone number or any other contact possibility – I won't search.   
You have chosen this way and it's not up to me to change it. But I miss my best friend. But it is a one way thing isn't it? Just because I got married, we can't be friends anymore? I still don't understand it, I just don't get it. Why did you leave? Why without saying goodbye? You made me say goodbye before I left for the Patrick Henry and you were angry with me for not telling you. I don't know what to say more, just that I want my best friend back. Everything seems so boring now; nobody teases me about dress whites and gold wings anymore.   
F.L., H.  
_  
Tears were running down Mac's cheeks when she finished reading, and closed the window. That was the reason why she didn't want to get into those mails, didn't want to read them because she knew they would make her feel sad and sorry. Make her think.  
  
But she told herself not to look back. Her hand was softly resting on the swell of her bulging belly. Two weeks ago she had been told that she was carrying twins. She wasn't sure if she should be happy or not. She didn't feel anything at the moment, except for the loss of her best friend. She tried, dearly, to feel love for the kids she was carrying. She tried to take care of herself and even got away from Beltway Burgers. She ate healthy food, worked out on her home bike every night and drank a lot of milk and orange juice.  
  
Even work wasn't the same anymore. Everybody at the office was nice and seemed to care for her but Mac; Mac asked them to call her Sarah because Mac made her feel "home" at JAG. She did her job well, she won her cases but the passion was gone. Mac told herself that things would get better when the babies were born, everything would work out then. But somehow, she didn't believe in it at the moment. She was just 13 weeks into her pregnancy but she had changed. AJ, that's how the Admiral made her call him, came one or the other weekend with some excuse to see how she was doing.  
  
He had noticed the difference. His Mac had been a happy person who smiled and laughed often but this was gone. This Sarah now was hard and cold, impersonal, sad and sometimes even angry. Chegwidden found out that it was no good to speak about Harm and Renee with her, that she wasn't interested in anything – that's at least how she acted. But deep inside he sensed that she was hurt by his action and that Harmon Rabb Jr. had been the reason for her to leave. Were those his babies she was carrying? He wasn't sure about it. She had closed up and not found any friends here in Rhode Island but she wasn't going out at all.  
  
At night she was reading and started to decorate the nursery in a soft shade of yellow. She did her housework, cleaned the house neatly and worked through her case loads. She earned good money, he knew, but she didn't seem to care. Her cloths were just black, no features in them. Her skirts were getting tight around her waist and the former silk blouses had changed to dark blue and black shirts. Her pregnancy was obvious and even the early state not possible to hide anymore. She had never thought about those things before, how her body would change with pregnancy or what people would think of a pregnant woman who wasn't married or at least had a father for her babies. Nobody asked about her life, nobody was interested. The elderly lady next door invited her for dinner twice but she asked for a rain check twice, telling her that her legs were killing and she wasn't feeling well. The only problem was that this lovely elderly lady came with some chicken soup and fed Mac, did everything to make her feel better. But soon, after a couple of hours, she noticed that it had nothing to do with the young woman's health but her soul – a young, tortured soul.  
  
This night Mac went into bed without dinner, she couldn't get a bite down. It was a Friday and she couldn't sleep till Monday morning, impossible. She really had tried to get on with life, tried to make some friends but they were all so different, so not Harriet, Bud and of course Harm. Mac was honest with herself that she had never easily made friends; she didn't blame herself, but her parents. Trust was a rare thing for her and if you are friend with somebody, there has to be trust involved!  
  
She should have cleaned the house a little bit because AJ had been on her answering machine telling her that he would be there by noon. But she was in no mood. When she woke up in the morning she showered, creamed her body a little bit and leaned against the cold tiles of the bathroom. She felt heavy, like a bleached whale. But she knew that it was normal. Sometimes she even wished that her mum would be here with her, to talk to somebody who has been through that too. But there was no contact to her mum anymore, no telephone number, nothing.  
  
Slowly she brushed her teeth and slipped into a dark blue pair of XXL marine sweats AJ had given her and a dark green top. When she came downstairs he was already waiting for her.  
"I thought you'd come around noon," she said with a deep sigh.   
"Looks like I am already here. So what do you want me to do? The nursery? Something else?" "Let's just sit here for a while okay? I just got out of bed."  
  
She let him spend the weekend with her. It would have been a senseless act to talk him out of it. He was so fixed into taking care of her that he didn't even see that she felt uncomfortable. When they sat together in the living room on Sunday morning after breakfast, he stared at her. Mac was wearing a button down blouse and sweats.  
"You know that pregnancy fits you," AJ said with a shy smile dancing over his lips.   
"I guess that's a compliment," she returned half sure if he was going onto her or not.   
"I don't want to make you any uncomfortable Mac but I should tell you that they are all missing you like crazy. You left in a hurry and I am allowed to answer all the questions with a I have no clue. Do you think that it is easy for me to lie to Harm all the time?"   
"He asks for me," she said a little wondered.   
"Yes all the time, every Monday like he sense something. Anyway, he has told me that he has written you one or the other email and that you do not reply. Why not?"   
"I don't want to answer any questions of his," she snapped back.  
"It's my life and I made some decisions. Something had to be done."   
"And you still think that this was the right one?"   
"Yes," she said softly, nearly a whisper.  
  
Mac has always been a master in betraying herself but this time it was harder than ever before. The time went on and when she was asleep in her bed, she often thought about how it would be to have somebody to cuddle against, somebody caressing her belly, somebody ... no not just somebody, it had to be the one and only, the one her heart belonged to.  
  
Reading his Emails didn't help at all. She had to focus on her new life, not look back all the time. She couldn't hold her tears back for a long. She needed to let go. Just walk away, without saying goodbye! She blamed herself now for not telling him anything, not writing any mail. Close the door, let my life be like it was before - unloved, lonely... She was the best in hiding, nobody has ever seen her crying except Harm, and she never showed her broken heart to anybody but him. And then she walked away, closed the door, without saying goodbye, without ever knowing ... knowing what?  
  
Through the lonely nights she had painted the moon in different shades of blue, drawn her arms around her waist, hold herself tight. But the night was still dark, lonely and cold. She remembered the days she had sworn to herself that nothing would be able to ruin this friendship, the bond she shared with Harm. She swore that they will never part. And in the end it had been rather easy for her to leave, the only way to surrender, to survive.  
  
In the beginning everything had seemed so easy. She had thought that she would get him out of her head soon but it wasn't possible. She had closed herself up from the world. Each day ended the same, she alone at home. And AJ's visits didn't make it better. Once or twice she was about to ask him not to come again but on the other hand he was the only friend she had left since she wasn't able to make any new ones here.  
  
Nightmares filled her world of dreams, nightmares of Harm's death, of her being a bad mother and forgetting about her children and other things like that. She was restless, often woke up in the morning completely wet from sweating, the sheets tangled around her legs. She always had hated to sleep on her side, except for somebody to curl against but now alone it was uncomfortable but she read that pregnant women shouldn't sleep on their back because the baby(s) would press onto an important vein and this wouldn't be good for the blood circulation. Anyway, the still hated sleeping on her side with a pillow between her knees to take the pressure off her hips, a nursing bra under her nightshirt because he breasts were sore all the time. Those nightmares were filled with a love that was never meant to be, a love she was trying hard to get over with, trying hard to forget that it ever existed. She tried hard to banish every single thought on him from her head, but everything reminded her on him. The one picture she had placed over the open fire place, him and her on the ball and in the same frame was one of him and her at AJ's christening. She could see the sparkles in his eyes, magical!  
  
The warm weather was finally finding its end it heavy rain started. Mac had never been a rain fan; she blamed it on the time she spent in Bosnia. Anyway, this coldness and wetness was even more uncomfortable for her now, being pregnant. Slowly October arrived, and she had an appointment at her GYN/OB who told her that everything would be fine if she would rest a little more, and take long walks. She countered with in the lovely way she always opposed to Harm, that it would be her life and not his, that she was sure about what she was doing and that she had a stressful job – even if this was a lie.  
  
She had a new case to work on, and it kept her busy. It was just a divorce and nothing she would have been working on while being at JAG but she liked it, the whole new stuff. At least she was telling herself that, and got herself busy over divorce law books in the library. Three weeks later she had won that case, got quite some money. The money she got more than at JAG which was quite a bit, was put onto a saving account for later when the babies would be there. Suddenly her cellphone was ringing.  
  
"MacKenzie," she answered.   
"Mac, it's AJ."   
"Hello and what can I do for you. I am in the middle of a supermarket."   
"Oh I am sorry, I can call later again."  
"No, tell me, picking the right yoghurt can wait a little longer."   
"Okay, I'd prefer if you'd sit down but well, I can't change it."  
"What is it? Something with little AJ?"   
"He is fine Mac and keeps asking for you."   
This hit Mac more than everything else. She wanted to hug her little godson. She even had already picked a Christmas present for him which was waiting to be wrapped.   
"So...?"  
"It's Harm, Mac."   
"What is it with Harm?"   
"He needs you."   
"No, AJ we won't go back into that. He never needed me and so he won't need me now," she replied angrily.   
"They brought Renee to the hospital yesterday because of complications. She fell into coma." She never liked the blond TV-bimbo but this was, she couldn't find the right word for it, horrible?   
"And the baby?"   
"He is still doing fine but they aren't sure for how much longer. Harm is with her and we all understand that but we are short handed and I wanted to ask you if ... it would be just for a week or two till Harm is back."  
"No."   
"Mac, please."   
"No, you still have Bud and Sturgis and I am sure you can find somebody else. I am not coming back after everything that happened. No way."   
"So maybe its time to tell me what happened Mac, you never did."  
"This isn't the right time or the right place to discuss this."   
"It's never been the right time or place Mac, haven't you realized that?"  
  
Sitting at home three weeks later, her hand resting on her belly she slowly felt some movements in there and it made her cry softly that there was nobody to share this with. She hadn't been checking her emails since she read Harm's last email. Now she felt guilty for not being there for him but on the other hand, he wouldn't understand her situation, he would blame her for it. She was in no mood to get into a fight with him over it. She wanted a baby, now she was getting two.  
  
Some colleagues want to give her a baby shower the next weekend. Mac had told them that they don't have to, but those women refused, telling her that twins are normally early and that they have to make one .... That they want to go baby cloths shopping. Everybody has been so nice at work to her even if she was distant.  
  
The phone was ringing. She thought if she should pick up or not, slowly she made the way towards the kitchen table where she had left it.  
  
"Mac", a familiar voice asked on the other end.   
"Yes. Harriet," Mac asked in return.   
"Yes it's me Ma'm. I am only calling because the Admiral asked me too. We need you over here because things happened."   
"Is it Harm?"   
"Well, yes and no. It's not him in person but Renee died last night after they got the baby via caesarean. He's healthy and everything but Renee died."  
"I am sorry to hear that", Mac said and took a deep breath. She felt the sadness raised her throat.   
"But why are you calling me. I left. I am not involved into anything anymore."   
"The admiral told me that you would say so. But the problem we have here is that Harm refused to see his son. He named him, "Tristan" because of the sadness he brought. I am not sure why he did it but anyway. He hasn't picked up his son yet. The funeral will take place in two days and the admiral ... well we all hoped that you could come and talk to Harm. He has to take care of his son now."   
A pregnant pause took place.   
"I will not promise anything but I think about it. It is quite a way and I am really busy."   
"We all know that you are busy but we really need your help down here."  
  
Mac walked up and down the house thinking about what to do. How could Harm do this to his only son, his first born? Why didn't he name him Harmon as he probably planned? So many questions came up.  
  
At night the admiral called himself to ask if she has made a decision yet and if he can book her a flight but she told him that if she will come, she'll come by car because she doesn't want to fly at this stage of pregnancy anymore knowing the risks. Both knew that this was a flat lie but nobody cared.  
  
At this point she had made up her mind. She'd go down to Washington. She'd talk to Harm and leave afterwards. She knew that it's real. She knew that it was right and that she could face the coldness of his face.  
  
End Part 1  
  
ms.parker(at)gmx.at


	2. Part 2

**I surrender ... I survive   
Part 2**

****  
  
The car was parked outside the cemetery. It was cold and had rained just before the funeral. Mac had decided that she had to go, to be sure about the decisions she had made, not that she doubted anything. Her overcoat barely hid her pregnancy anymore; nevertheless she was standing at the very back of the group, leaning against a big tree, her hands in her pockets, resting on the swell over her belly.  
  
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust", the priest's words were. Harm was standing in the first row; next to him were several women, the admiral, Harriet, Bud, Sturgis and all the others. Mac didn't feel comfortable. She watched him throwing the dirt into the open grave. He even shook hands with almost everybody but didn't notice her, thankfully.  
  
"You have to be Sarah Mackenzie", a woman suddenly said from the side. Mac was startled. She only nodded in response.   
The woman was at least seventy if not older with white hair and a soft smile playing on her lips. She was dressed all in black. Probably some family, Mac thought.   
"How far along are you my dear? It's not good for you if you are out in the cold too long. You may catch a cold."   
"It won't be long Ma'm", Mac replied softly, tears stinging in her eyes while she watched Harm standing at the open grave, the gravestone noticeable.   
"Renee Rabb – beloved wife and mother".   
"Come on in Mac", she further said and Mac looked down at her.   
"Oh may I introduce myself. I am Sarah Rabb, Harm's grandmother."   
  
Mac tried to smile but it was impossible. Harm sank down to his knees, obviously crying. The baby was nowhere in sight Mac noticed.  
  
"Come with me. I am sure Harm ..."   
"Thank you Mrs Rabb but I just can not."   
"Call me Grams like everybody does."   
"I can't."   
"You can Sarah, you can. I am sure that you can," she sight softly between sighs, "you've always been family for me because he talked a lot about you."

* * *

Mac stood there with Sarah Rabb for a little longer before she agreed to head to Harm's place for a short visit to talk to him about Tristan. Mac wasn't sure how he would cope with that fact that she was pregnant now or how she should tell him. Would he care at all? There were so many things she hadn't thought of.

* * *

Mac drove towards Harm's house. It was a big two story house with a huge porch where she noticed a nice swing. He loved porch swings. Grams rode with her, not talking but studying Mac – her movements.  
  
"I can not do it. I am sorry," Mac said staring at the steering wheel.   
"You can, Mac please. You are the only one who will be able to talk to him."   
"No you are wrong. He hates me for what I did."   
"I am sure he doesn't. Come on Mac, you are probably freezing in this light overcoat and you shouldn't get sick at your stage of pregnancy."   
"I am not that far along." Gram stared at Mac in disbelieve. She was not huge for her state but quite big, especially if somebody didn't knew she was pregnant with twins they probably think that she'd be due any day now. "I am pregnant with twins."   
"Oh ... oh okay. Let's get inside."

* * *

Mac was standing in the middle of the living room surrounded by the JAG staff and Harm's family but Harm was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Mac," Harriet nearly screamed and ran towards Mac with AJ junior.   
"Hello Harriet, hello AJ." Mac tried to stay calm and a little distanced to the whole situation.   
"How are you doing," the blond haired woman asked Mac.   
"Oh thanks I am fine."   
"Get out of that stuff," Sarah Rabb commanded and helped Mac out of her coat. Now all eyes were fixed on her belly.  
  
The room was filled with total silence for a couple of minutes till a screaming baby broke it.  
  
Trish Rabb tried to calm Tristan down. Harriet tried it. Sarah Rabb tried it and a couple of minute later Mac found herself seated on the big sofa, the legs resting on it too, with a baby in her arms.  
  
"He likes you," Trish said and knelt down next to Mac. It was indeed a beautiful baby taking completely after his father.   
He had little dark brown hair and steel blue eyes, a cute nose and lovely lips. And he was asleep, pressed against her now so motherly chest.   
"How far along are you Ms Mackenzie?" Trish asked.  
"Call me Mac please. 25 weeks but with twins that's why I am that big."   
"Pregnancy suits you."   
"Well I am not sure about that." Trish smiled, "You have no idea what those boys over there" she moved her heads to a group of teenagers, "were talking about before I came towards you." Mac looked in disbelieve towards Harm's mother.   
"Yes, don't look like that Miss ... Mac. This v-neck allowed them a nice view and they even love your big belly. When you entered I thought you'd be due any day now."   
"Well unfortunately not Mrs Rabb but my back keeps killing me like I would."

* * *

The next time Mac woke up on the sofa the baby was gone and a blanket was put over her. Exhaustion must have made her fall asleep; she couldn't remember when it was. She slowly got up from the sofa and looked at the table. There was a note.  
  
_Mac,   
Please look after Tristan you are the only one with whom he stays calm and isn't crying. You are playing the mother-role you. Tristan has chosen you. He didn't know his mother, and he unfortunately rarely saw his father yet.   
I don't know you Mac and we only talked for a little while at the funeral but I am sure that you will love this little boy. You can call whenever you need help, financial support or anything like that. Harm isn't home. I doubt that he will be home the next days.   
Make yourself at home here. He had been drinking the days before the funeral. I remember that he once said that you have a problem with alcoholism so maybe you can talk some sense into him. And, he doesn't know that you are here because we couldn't reach him. He didn't take his cell phone with him, he rarely does lately.   
Trish and I brought your stuff to the guestroom, Harriet left you some leftovers in the fridge and there is a basket with special stuff for you in the bathroom. We also moved the baby bed from the main bedroom to yours so you won't have to get up at nights because there isn't anything installed in the house yet to control the nursery.   
Trish's, mine and Harriet's phone number are on the other side of the sheet. Take care of yourself and of my first great-grandson. I already know that it was the right decision to give him into your hands.   
Gram_

* * *

It had been two days ever since that note had been placed on the coffee table. Two days Mac waited for Harm to come home. Two days that she took care of Tristan and two days the baby got used to her.

* * *

There was somebody knocking at the door and Mac made her way slowly towards it, the baby in her other hand. She was about to nurse him.  
  
"Hello Miss Rabb", the men asked when she opened the door.  
"How can I help you?" Mac asked in return.   
"I have a delivery for you, so please sign here."   
"What is it?"   
"Oh it's just a crib I guess."   
"Okay."  
  
After she signed the man went back to the delivery car and pulled the big crib out of it. When he came towards the door he was studying Mac obviously. Thinking how a woman with such a small baby in her arm could still look that pregnant.  
  
"Where do you want me to put it?"  
"The bedroom please, I'll walk you."  
  
They went to the first floor. He reached the first floor before her because she had to stop in between catching her breath.  
  
"Can I help you somehow," the guy asked standing in front of Mac with a smile on his lips.   
"No thanks, I guess you don't want to play body switch for a couple of hours so I could get a good nights sleep." He just laughed in return.   
"Your husband should be home helping you."   
"Well tell him that not me." Mac thought about playing along a little bit with him.   
"He doesn't seem to be interested in me at the moment. Work is more important."   
"Yes? I can't believe it. Look at you, you've that glow. Magnificent. Angela, my wife, never radiated like that when she was pregnant or afterwards."   
"It seems like things are different here."   
"How old is the baby?"   
"Oh Tristan, he's 2 weeks old."   
"He's a cutie."   
"Coming after his dad."  
"Oh, it wouldn't be bad if he'd come after you."   
"Thanks, I guess."  
  
Mac blushed slightly and they went to the bedroom, Harm's bedroom, where he put it together for her as a favour.  
  
"When will your husband come home?" he asked a little nervously.   
"I don't know. He's in the navy and things are a little different there you know."   
"Sure, I've been in the Navy for nearly 15 years."   
"Really," she asked happily, "Harm is at JAG."  
"No it can't be. You are talking of Harmon Rabb Junior here?"   
"How do you know?"   
"Well I heard the rumour that he got recently married but I quite never believed that Harmon Rabb got domestic." Mac only smiled sadly.  
  
"You see, he isn't that domestic." The guy, Thomas – that's what the tag on his shirt was telling – only nodded staring onto his hands.   
"Do you want lemonade?"   
"That would be fantastic. But do you maybe have some coffee if it isn't a problem."   
"Oh now sure not. Go wash your hands, the bathroom is the second door on the left side down the floor."   
"Okay I will be there in no time."  
  
She prepared some coffee; Tristan was in his portable bed sleeping. It had been a day like every other for her since Gram made her move in here. She took care of herself as good as possible, and spent hours thinking about what she'd tell Harm when he came home.  
  
She was wearing one of her last comfortable maternity outfits which was still fitting and not too light. Nevertheless it was the beginning of December. It was a dark blue pair of trousers and a woollen pullover over, the largest Marine t-shirt she owned. She felt comfortable in those clothes and the warm socks she was wearing and she started to like the house. It was a big house with four bedrooms, the big porch, a small library and a working room, three bathrooms, sauna and whirlpool in the cellar together with a fitness room.  
  
"Do you need any help?" he asked and smiled at Mac, a smile that Mac returned.   
"No thanks, sit down." She put a cup in front of him, got the milk out of the fridge.   
"Won't Angel be waiting for you?"   
"Nope and if I tell her that I had coffee with Harmon Rabb's wife she'll be thrilled and forgive me." A conflict started in Mac's head, should she correct him about the marriage or not. Yes, no? No, yes?   
"Okay I have to tell you the truth here ..." And so Mac started to tell him 'their' story, the story of love, hope and little passion, faith and friendship and how one woman turned all that against them.

* * *

When Thomas left Mac was exhausted. She had cried, the first time in a long time. She had cried and Thomas had done his best to comfort her. Sometimes the question, why life can't be a little easier on her, dropped in her mind but there was no way to find an answer to it.

* * *

Tristan was a good baby, he slept mostly four hours in a row and since he was quite small at birth and all those complications with Harm, he only wanted to be comforted by Mac.  
  
Two days after Thomas' visit Gram came over to see if thing worked out correctly and to speak to Harm. Harm hadn't called anybody or given any other sign of life. Mac was horrified what might have happened. Or not.  
  
"Mac, where are you?" the elderly woman shouted through the house. She heard some water splashes and so on from the upper bathroom, so she made her way there.   
"Mac are you in there?"   
"Oh yes Gram, sorry, I forgot about the time."   
"Can I come in?" When did Harm's grandma get so familiar and comfortable with her? She was handling her like a granddaughter or the daughter she never head. "Sure, if you want to."   
The woman entered the bathroom and let some of the hot air escape. Tristan was in the tub with Mac, lying on her chest. Gram sat down next to Mac and stared at the baby.   
"He seems to like the water," she said.   
"Well yes he likes it and the doctor said that we are allowed to bath now. He likes to stick his toes into it, wiggling a little bit before resting in the warm water."   
"Like his mom," Grandma Rabb said softly.   
"I don't know about Renee."   
"I meant you."   
"I am not his mother Gram," she replied.   
"But you are now in his eyes. Harm isn't there for him, he feels it. He clutches now on you. You are his one in a billion."   
"If I remember correctly you wanted me to take care of Tristan," she said and caressed the baby's back with the tip of her fingers.   
"Yes it was my decision. I wanted it to be you. Trish may have been a good mother to Harm but she is too old to take care of Tristan. But you on the contrary are a mother to be. I knew that you'd fall in love with him, even if he isn't your son by blood."  
  
"I love him already."   
"I knew you would. It's just that when Harm ..."   
"He still isn't back?"   
"No," Mac whispered with tears in her eyes, "how can you leave a baby like that?"   
"A baby you never wanted," Gram commented.   
"What?" she nearly shouted and sat up as well as possible with Tristan holding against her chest. "He never wanted that baby. He told me so. Harm always wanted a family but not like this. He was, more or less, forced into this marriage because we all knew that as soon as he knew that he'd be a father he'd be there for the child. No Rabb should grow up without a father."   
"Yes, you are right. He always wanted family."   
"And you too I guess."  
  
"It was time for it. The right time."   
"And the father?"   
"Hm?"   
"The father of your babies?"   
"Oh, well ... let's say it was a donor." She replied and softly blushed.   
She had never thought that she would discuss her not existent sex life with a woman double her age, a stranger, at all.   
"Sperm bank I guess? Well Harm once talked about those things too. I mean about donation for the case that ..."   
"He said a lot over the years. And I am still not sure why I am here."   
Gram stood up and took Tristan from Mac's chest. She was standing there studying Mac from head to toe, okay, from the face to her bellybutton.   
"You know Mac; he'd like what I see there," she said and pointed towards the young woman in the tub.   
"What do you mean?"   
"He has always had a thing for you."   
"Oh ..." Gram was able to make her blush more often then Harm did over the last few years. "Come on get out of the water, its already cold and ..."   
"Okay mom..." Slowly Mac stood up, let the water cascade from her body and Gram handed her a big fluffy towel. When was the last time that Mac stood naked in front of a woman? Well, ages, she thought, picturing her mother.  
  
"I am going to change him into something warm. I'll catch you in your bedroom."   
"Oh, Gram, his bed is in the master bedroom."   
"Why?"   
"Well, it's a long story."   
"I only want to change him anyway. Those things are still in the nursery aren't they?"   
"Sure."  
  
When the grey haired woman left the bathroom Mac was standing there only clad in a big blue towel. She wasn't able to say a word She was confused. Slowly she made her way out of the bathroom, entered the main bedroom where she had left her clothes over a chair and suddenly stood in front of the big mirror. A lot of thoughts were running through her head – Harm and Renee making love in here. Harm's hands on Renee's belly in front of this mirror. Harm's hands roaming all over Renee's body. Harm's mouth on the tips of Renee's breasts suckling. Harm's dick ...  
  
Slowly she opened the towel and let it fall on the floor. She started to study her own pregnant body for the first time in weeks. She had gained some weight, directly to her breasts and belly. She still had her long and slender running legs and a tight butt. Her eyes slowly wandered up. Her belly was big, not huge yet, but quite big for 26 weeks. She knew that she had to look for a GYN/OB over here again to get the next appointment set. Maybe she should ask Harriet. There were no stretch marks yet anywhere on her body. Not yet, she thought. She could feel the movements inside her, softly, nothing painful. Yet. Her breasts have always been a nice and full C-cup, now even DD was nearly tight and uncomfortable for her. Her nipples had already changed in colour, one of the first things she noticed about this pregnancy. They had always been a light shade of brown, now they were about to turn black or something like that.  
  
Slowly she sat down on the bed, still nude, and moisture trickled down her cheeks. Mac had always had her hopes up that the moment she would be pregnant her life would have settled down. No, it wouldn't have to be marriage but something equal to it, at least a caring father, a caring boyfriend. Somebody she could share all those new experiences of love with. And this new feeling, the need to care about something. The need to be there for somebody day and night. The hopes, the love, the passion. And the excitement of what would happen next. All those things should be shared with a man, or at least with her best friend.

* * *

"Do you want to order Pizza, Mac?" Gram asked when Mac came downstairs in leggings and one of Harm's sweatshirts.   
"If you want. I need some dead animal."   
"Okay, so half dead animal as my grandson would say and half ... what do I want? Oh yes, mushrooms and corn."  
  
Mac sat down at the cooking island and looked at the elderly woman. "Gram why are you here?"   
"Do I need a reason to see you?"   
"No of course not but I ..."   
"Don't Mac, everything will come as it should."   
"You have no idea. I don't want to stay here any longer. I don't want to do that anymore. I can not. I decided firstly that I need to go through that alone."   
Mac nearly was angry now.   
"And we all know that it was a mistake. You should have told Harm about what you want." "I've never had the time to do so. The day the deal should come to work he had already announced that he'd be become a father. He didn't even tell me that Renee was back."   
"She only came back because of that."   
"What do you mean?"   
"She always thought of you as a concurrent. Always, believe me. We had a huge argument, her and me, the day before the wedding because Harm had invited you. Of course he never got a reply and everything from your side but she was jealous as hell. She always had been like that, always wanted everything for herself."  
  
"And she had it."   
"No, she never had him the way she wanted to."   
"No?"   
"No, Mac, believe me, he may have got married and they had a baby; but he never really loved her. He married her because he believes that a mother AND a father have to raise a baby because of all he had been through." Mac nodded in response.   
She knew Harm would do that for every woman in his life, as soon as a baby on the way. He believed in an intact family. A warm and caring home and the importance of a complete family. Something she has never had. Something foreign to her. Something unfamiliar.  
  
Mac was sitting there staring at Harm's grandma. She had never had somebody talking honestly with her about all those events. Harm tried to seem happy about the pregnancy and everything, all a game.  
  
They ate in silence and sat down on the sofa together. Mac nursed Tristan and burped him over the shoulder and let him cuddle against her motherly chest.   
"By the way, I really like your tattoo," Gram said with a smile on her lips. Mac just gasped. Her tattoo!   
"Yes, it's really a nice tattoo. I've never seen a woman with a tattoo like that, circled around her nipple. Didn't it hurt a lot?" Mac just stared at her, not able to say a word. Shocked. Hadn't it been enough that she had seen her naked? But talking about it was a little bit ...  
"Do not be ashamed Mac. I am sorry."   
"No I have to be sorry Gram. It's just that nobody ever ..."   
"It's a wonderful rose arrangement. I have never seen something like that before and I got a tattoo myself when I was younger." Mac only stared at her. Unbelievable. A grandma with a tattoo.   
"Just because I am a great grandmother today Mac, doesn't mean that I have never been young. You know my husband loved tattoos and I got a rose on my butt on our honeymoon." Mac was still not able to say word. She had no clue what to say. "I shocked you didn't I?" Gram smiled.   
There was a short pause before Mac replied, "Yes I guess you did. There has never been somebody talking so openly with me", sadness filled her voice.   
"You have to let the past be past Mac and live for the future."   
"Easier said then done."   
"I know. But look at yourself. You have Harm's baby cuddled against your breast asleep, and you carry your own twins inside yourself. And you came when you were asked to because we need you here."   
"I am only here because Harriet and the Admiral thought I would be the only one who is able to talk some sense into Harm. But I haven't even seen him yet."   
"Harm isn't himself at the moment."  
  
"But he always wanted a son. Now he should take care of him. I am not his mother. I am not part of his parents. I am nobody to him."  
"Maybe things change and you need to be his mother."   
"How that?"   
"Nobody knows where Harm is, nobody. He didn't contact anybody yet. We do not know when he will be back. He had put a letter of reassignment in today morning, the admiral just called. The Admiral said he's in Florida at the moment but nobody knows where and for how long." Gram took a deep breath, "Tristan needs a mother and we – so Trish and I – want you to be it. We can not thing of anybody better. You can raise all three of them together, even nurse ..."   
"He'll be too old for that when mine are born."   
"Don't say that, try it. It's just to give him the feeling to be equal." Mac didn't answer that one. "I do not know why you tell me all this, Gram. He will never be my son. I may take care of him but he is Renee's."   
"He will probably never know if you do not tell him."   
"It's not up to me."   
"But you already love him."   
"How could I not? He has Harm's ..."   
"You still love Harm, don't you? Even after all he has done," she said with a deep sigh.   
"Yes," Mac nearly whispered.  
  
Of course she loves him. She loved him since they met in the rose garden. She couldn't think of a day she didn't love him. But, the thing was, that she never felt like she was his type. He flirted and teased her but he did it with every human being who was wearing a skirt. She stopped counting the blond bimbos who came and left faster then she was able to change her uniform. She always told herself that the main aspect in her life would be to be a marine, to be a lawyer, and then maybe somewhere deep inside be a woman, with feelings.  
  
"But you left. You left him alone Mac, why?"   
"Because I couldn't bear it anymore. I never liked Renee and when he announced that they were becoming parents without telling me that she came back at first ... I felt betrayed. I felt sad, angry but mainly betrayed. We worked so hard on our friendship and everything."   
"And I guess he doesn't know that you are pregnant."   
"No, of course not. I left in time. AJ ...the Admiral was the only person I told. He helped me in New York a lot."   
"He has told me so. He has also told me of the three pictures you had placed over your fireplace. The ones which were taken on the ball, the other from the embassy and one from you two and AJ junior."   
"He has?"   
"Of course. Trish doesn't know but he told me. He told me a lot over the last couple of days. He really deeply cares for you Mac and he wants to see you happy. And we all know that you need Harm to be happy."   
"He will be angry and furious with me. As soon as he comes back I am leaving again. I don't want a fight or anything. He obviously isn't interested in his son so it is up to his family – you – to decide what to do." Mac was going up and down in front of the fireplace with the baby in her arms, still asleep soundly.   
"I told you that we decided that we want you to ..."   
"I can not Gram. He is Harm's son. Harm has to take care of him. He decided to get married to his bimbo. He didn't use protection fucking her ... he made love to her ...", she stuttered and there the point was reached where Mac broke down.   
She slowly moved to the floor, the baby protectively in her arms and cried. She cried like she had never cried before.  
  
Within seconds Sarah Rabb was behind her, her arms around the young woman and pressed her shaking form into her small body. One arm caressing her back with the other her hair and she let her cry. Meekly Mac let the old woman hold her.  
  
Gram knew that Mac was right. They couldn't let her raise the child against her will even if he had gotten used to her. They had to think about a solution or a way to talk Mac into it. She already loved the young woman like her own grandchild, her anxiety and fears were so obvious.  
  
"You have never told Harm how you feel about him?" she asked softly.   
"Of course not," Mac replied within sobs.   
"Maybe you should have."   
"The moment just never seemed right."   
"I know it never feels right till it's too late."  
  
Gram brought Tristan upstairs in the main bedroom to let him sleep. He still wasn't sleeping through the night. After talking to Mac about her past she understood a lot of things - even why Mac left, to protect herself from the pain of seeing her grandson with another woman.  
  
"Go to bed Mac, you need the few hours Tristan lets you sleep. I will clean up here and sleep in the guestroom."   
"But the guestroom is where ..."   
"No you're going to sleep in the main bedroom tonight, please. You are the only one he stays calm with and I'd need to wake you anyway if I ..."   
"Okay, but just for the night."   
"Where does he normally sleep?"   
Mac looked, a little ashamed, up to Gram, "in bed with me. It's the easiest for my back."   
"Your back?"   
"Yes, you know those", she pointed to her belly, "are giving me a hard time at the moment. I am happy if I am able to sleep a few hours in a row without running to the toilet or something like that. And the extra weight gives me a nice pain in the lower and upper back."   
"Maybe you should be wearing those nursing bras with the big straps."   
"Huhh ....?"   
"Yeah they support the extra weight pretty well."   
"And how would you know?"   
"I know it okay? And, anyway, for whom are you wearing those fancy lace bras anyway? They look nice, are expensive and everything but believe me soon the lace will give you a hard time anyway, it will run you wound and that hurts like a bitch."   
"Gram, that's enough now! I am old enough to decide which bra type I wear and what I like and for whom. I never dressed up for anybody but me. The underwear I chose is for me and nobody else." Mac furiously blushed in all shades of red and pink.  
  
Sarah Rabb stood up and went with Mac to the main bedroom.   
"I am sorry if I somehow embarrassed you downstairs. Normally it's up to a mother to talk with her girl about those things and since you don't have a mother anymore ... I mean if you want ... I may be old but I am not prudish."   
"I noticed that," Mac said with a smile.   
"So girl, change and go to bed. You are too old to be read a fairy tale." Mac just laughed and Gram did too in return.   
"Good night Gram," Mac said softly, "It felt good to talk to you."   
"Other way around too. If you need anything just ask Mac."   
"Thanks for everything."   
"You are welcome."

* * *

Mac fell asleep with the light on at the nightstand. She felt in a long dreamless sleep. Her body relaxed. Her arm swung warmly around her growing belly.

* * *

He stood there in front of the house. He saw the soft light from his bedroom. The main bedroom.  
  
Slowly he inserted the key in the front door and let himself in. He had drunken a couple of Tequila shots at a bar with a guy and then they went to another bar where they got some vodka with a long haired blond woman with impressive boobs. Breasts to dream of. After the fourth bar he decided that its time to go 'home' but this thought of 'home' had a bitter taste. He was drunk, not more or less as the last couple of days, weeks or months. He couldn't remember.  
  
He closed the door and made his way up to the bedroom in an alcohol daze. He stripped naked and fell asleep in his wedding bed.

* * *

END PART 2  
  
ms.parkergmx.at 


	3. Part 3

_Note: Lots of thanks to Mel for the quick beta ... and huggles because she was sick but did it nevertheless!_

* * *

It was the first night Tristan had slept through; Grams had not heard any sound from the master bedroom. She had gone downstairs to make breakfast when suddenly a sharp scream filled the house, followed by baby screams. She ran upstairs and was partly shocked, partly happy about what she saw.

* * *

Mac was standing pressed against the wall with Tristan pressed against her chest in a dark blue silk night gown. Then Gram noticed the man with the long hair and beard in the bed. "Harm?" Gram asked, unsure.  
  
He looked from one side of the room to the other, from one woman to the other. He quickly slipped into his worn jeans and the dirty t-shirt. Mac still tried to calm Tristan down, partly still in shock about her "pleasant" surprise.  
  
With the jeans in his hands he made his way to the wardrobe and opened it, grabbed a fresh pair of jeans and a white shirt, boxers and socks and went into the bathroom. Not a word was said.  
  
The baby didn't stop crying even if he was more whimpering now. Mac had him pressed against her chest, softly whispering a lullaby to him.  
  
xxxx  
  
Harm stood in the bathroom. He took a long hot shower, shaved and put some gel into his hair to look sportier and not like a beggar anymore. He even put some after shave on and took some of Renee's hand crème. He cut his finger and toe nails and looked into the mirror after finishing. Now he was looking like a Navy man again. Clean. And, he had made his decision.  
"Harm, we need to talk," his Grandma said from outside the bathroom.  
"No."   
"Yes."   
"No."   
"He's your son. Your flesh and blood and he needs you."   
"She already has him. He's yours," he said, "because I will not come back. You'll be good to him Mac. I know you will. Now it is time for me to leave. You can have your job back, mine too. There is no need for me anymore, never has been." He finished and stepped out of the bathroom. "And I see you moved on. Slept your way 'round. I always knew you'd be like that, just never wanted to believe it." He opened the wardrobe again and pulled a big bag out and a suitcase from under the bed.

Mac handed Tristan to Gram. "You cannot leave," Mac said.   
"I can, you also left."  
"But ..."   
"No buts ... it's all yours, the house, Tristan – you can also name him differently, he isn't baptised yet – the job, Gram, mom, everybody. That's the prize you get."   
"For what?"  
"For the decision you made."   
"What do you mean?"   
"The decision you made when you left."  
"I left because you had everything you always wanted."  
"I don't care anymore. It's all gone."   
"Nothing is gone," Mac said angrily.  
"Everything"   
"And Tristan, what about him?" Mac tried to ask with a steady voice.   
"I don't care. It is up to you, Grandma and Mom. My name is, still, on the birth certificate. I'll pay, let you live here. I do not want to see him," he said angrily, "or you."   
"He's a baby. You cannot just leave. You married Renee because of him."   
"It's none of your business why I married Renee. It's all gone now."   
Grams went over to Harm and held Tristan into his face but Harm pushed her softly away and took a couple of steps backwards.   
"Don't try it. Where I go there is no place or need for him. At all, as soon as I am finished, I am off."   
"Where to?" Mac asked, now with an unsteady voice.   
"Patrick Henry, back to active flight status."   
"You want your son to grow up without a father," she nearly screamed at him angrily.   
"Like I told you three hundred times before, I do not fucking care what will happen to him. If you want him, you can have him, if not; give him to mom, granny or whoever you want. I don't care, you didn't either when you left. You left in the moment I was filled with happiness, sadness, fear, passion and hope. But obviously you'll have all that soon for yourself. I have to say that you've been quite fast."   
"Twins," Mac nearly whispered.   
"So it doesn't matter if there are two or three anymore," he said sarcastically.   
"Is that what you want? Me raising your child? Another Rabb without a father. Is that your plan?"  
"I didn't plan that at all." He put some shirts and trousers into the suitcase, shirts into the bag. "I told you before that it is only up to you what you want to do with Tristan."   
"You are a selfish bastard," Mac yelled, "What are you afraid of, taking care of a helpless creature?"

* * *

Slowly Mac went the stairs down, a hand resting protectively over her belly, towards the garden. She needed some fresh air, cold and fresh air. She opened the door and stepped outside, into the morning air of a cold and fresh December morning, in her silky, short nightgown, barefoot. Snow had fallen overnight and was covering the garden like a bride is covered by the softy silkiness of her white wedding gown.  
  
Minutes passed. She didn't feel the coldness of the snow or the cat that danced around her ankles.  
  
Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, Gram's. "You have to go inside my dear or you'll catch pneumonia and we wouldn't want that. Would we?" Mac only nodded in response.  
  
Without a word she headed towards Tristan's crib and started to feed him a bottle, staring out of a window, clad in one of Renee's robes. Now she let the tears of anger and pain roll down the rosy cheeks of hers.

* * *

Harm stood at the first step of the staircase looking at his grandmother who shot him an angry look. Then she went towards him.  
  
"You are a selfish bastard, she was right," Grams said straight to his face, "the most egoistic man I've ever met. I lost my Dad in World War One; I wasn't much older than Tristan was. I never met him. We never had a chance to know each other. But at least I have had a mother." She said with a sigh.   
"Gram, it is the best for him, for all sides, if I go now. She will raise him like one of hers, without any conflicts. I will take care of the birth certificate and let it be corrected respectively if that doesn't work, I will send her the adoption papers for Tristan, whatever I get first."   
"And your mom?"   
"This is not about her or anybody else. I knew Mac would come wherever she had been. She will find a way to talk her boyfriend or hubby into it."  
"There is nobody," Grams said in reply.   
"I don't care," Harm said and walked slowly into the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. "I will sleep here tonight and tomorrow at ten my flight leaves for the Patrick Henry and from there I will move to a carrier in the Gulf of Kuwait."   
"You always take the easiest way out."  
"No, I don't grandma, just the best for Tristan," he took a sip of the coffee, "she was born to be a mother and she will be a good mother to him. She won't make any differences," Harm said softly.   
"But, what about your son? How will Mac be able to ...?"   
"It will be taken care of, all of it, insurances, College everything, Mum said so. And the salary is good if you are in active duty. The house is paid for and I told her that she can stay here. There is enough space for five, six people."   
"But there will not be more than four," she replied sadly, "you just don't see it Harm. You are blind in this case. She came to talk to you and you leave without listening to her." He didn't reply but sipped further on his coffee.   
"How will she be able to raise three babies on her own?"   
"She should have thought about that before getting that preggers."   
Grams stood up from her chair, the fists on the table. "I really cannot believe that you are my grandson. ... My son was a caring father to you and you leave your son behind! Who are you?"   
"He has Mac, I told you. She can give him everything I never will be able to."   
Grams just shook her head.   
"I already called the Admiral; he will give her, her old job back, chief of staff and everything, all insurances, the same as before she left."  
"And that is what she wants?"   
"She left because of me, if yes, and then she wants her old Marine job back." He didn't dare to look into his grandma's eyes.   
"Have you ever thought about what she might think of all this here?" she asked and waved her hand around, "Of course she likes Tristan. He was alone and she took care of him. If not Mac, somebody else would have done it. Mac went through a lot over the last few weeks, and stress is the last thing she needs now. I only want you to talk to her Harm, talk to her, tell her what you feel and why you left. She needs to know it Harm. She will take care of Tristan, of course she will, she adores your little boy but she needs to know it."   
"Why should I?"   
"Because you never told her that Renee was back." Suddenly Harm turned around, a shocked impression on his face.   
"I did."   
"No, you didn't."  
"Hell yes, I did," he said angrily in disbelieve.   
"Watch your voice, Harm."   
"I did, 100 percent sure."   
"Nevertheless, she never got the message."   
"But she left without any message."   
"Probably she had her reasons."   
Harm sat back down next to the table. "How far along is she?"   
"Twenty-six weeks."   
A pregnant silence filled the room.   
"She was already pregnant when she left, pregnant at AJ's Birthday party," Harm nearly whispered. Harm thought about how she acted, how early she left. She had never crossed his or Renee's paths during the last days of her stay – never till he announced that he'd become a father. She didn't even speak to him after that, just a quick congratulations and then she left.   
"I do not know the details Harm, I've not asked for them. But I am sure she will tell you if you just ask her."   
He looked up towards his grey-haired grandma, "I don't care. It is none of my business."  
"You should, you already did enough damage to your relationship."  
"We do not have any kind of relationship."   
"Okay," she said furiously, "do whatever you think you should do but do not ask for your son in ten, twenty or thirty years, if you leave now. And if somebody shoots you down over Kuwait, do not think that we'll give you a big ceremony at Arlington because if you leave without speaking to her before you leave, then you aren't my grandson anymore." She finished and left the room.

* * *

Tristan was a good boy, Mac told herself every hour. At 8 pm she gave him his bottle and put him down to sleep. Grams had helped her to move the new baby bed over to "Mac's" bedroom.   
Before coming back to Washington Mac never had been a TV series fan, but slowly she adjusted to this new behaviour because it was more relaxing than reading in her situation at the moment. Even after finding Renee's collection of really bad trashy romance novels, she decided to skip them, not even Harm's crime and thriller collection really got her into something – now she was resting, legs up, watching some forensic show set in Vegas.   
She had noticed today that she got tired more easily, that her leg and back hurt more day by day and she felt like having less energy in her. She realised that she got more emotional, she hated it. Marines don't act like that. Marines never get themselves into such disasters. After the second forensic show she slowly went upstairs, with a glass of milk.

* * *

When the cap driver let him out in front of his house he saw that it was dark except for the guest bedroom his grandma had used the night before.  
He'd had three beers with Sturgis and Bud and a couple of Tequila shots with a leggy, busty blond whose name he couldn't remember. Was it Maggie? Jenny? Tammy? But he remembered the long blond hair and the tits to crawl in, with a smile on his lips.  
  
He slowly went upstairs, leaving his shoes somewhere between the door and the staircase, the jacket followed by gloves.  
  
And when he arrived on the first floor he heard soft music playing from Mac's room and some light from the open door on the floor. Without making any sound he made his way towards the open door and lurked inside.  
  
In the one corner he saw the baby bed with his sleeping son, his son. And then his eyes wandered over the bed without a comforter on it, and a special arrangement of cushions - slowly gliding over the lightened fireplace towards the woman sitting on the loveseat in the other corner, putting crème on.   
His eyes were growing wide. He was staring at Mac, a nearly nude Mac. She was only wearing a silk-lace bra which was pushing her full breasts up and together. He wondered about their weight and if this bra wasn't too tight on her. He also thought about how it would be to take it off, slowly opening it in the back, pushing the straps down, slowly, softly placing kisses on her shoulder, his big hands holding and massaging her breasts, teasing her dark nipples which he could outline from the white lace.  
  
He started to lean against the wooden frame of the door. Mac was softly whispering something, or was singing while she put more crème on her big belly. She was yet bigger than Renee had ever been, but her belly was different, not full of stretch marks like Renee's had been. Renee had been proud of each, not caring about a new one. He didn't see a single one on Mac's.   
Her hands were slowly dancing over her growing flesh, applying some pressure from time to time. The next thing she did was rub her hands in the towel next to her. Then she slowly put her hands behind her, and it happened, she opened the bra and let the straps glide down slowly.   
Harm saw how her full breasts started to rest on her belly. God, he had never seen tits like this. She put some crème into her hands and started to rub them over them, slowly. He saw her nipples tighten by the coldness of the crème. She lifted one breast and rubbed crème on the underside and then the other.   
Harm felt his jeans tighten; they really started to get uncomfortable. He had never seen breasts like that, ideas of what he could do to them were running amok in his head – how it would be to suck them slowly, softly biting and manipulating those dark and big areolas.  
  
And suddenly she noticed him. She just stopped her hands and let them rest over her erected nipples. "Harm," she whispered in embarrassment and tried her best to hide her near nudity.   
But he came near her, standing in front of her within seconds, his eyes still fixed on her chest.  
  
Mac noticed the bulk in his jeans. It couldn't be overlooked.  
  
There was a silence. Only the sound of the wood in the fire was to be heard and Tristan's soft breathing.  
  
"Please go Harm," Mac pleaded.  
"No I cannot; I have to see you Mac."   
Mac's heart was pumping blood at double speed through her body. She was nervous, like a teenager, anxious about the next step, the next thing that would happen.   
"Please Mac," he said and leant down towards her ear.   
But then she realised it. "Go Harm, you've been drinking." This fact saddened her. She had really thought that he meant it. "Yeah, I have had a couple of shots but who cares? Up from tomorrow I will be back to real life with my tomcat – baby."   
"Active status," Mac only mumbled, remembering the last disaster when he stepped into a plane. He crashed into the ocean, she cancelled her wedding.  
"Of course active status, what else should I do?"   
"Stay here and take care of your son, let me move on with my own life," she said, staring at the loveseat.   
"If you want to move on, do it. But not before you let me see you. I want to see your body one very last time."   
"One very last? You never saw me before."   
"Who cares Mac? Stand up, put your hands away and let me see ...," and in the very next moment his lips were sealed on hers. He was working them, sitting down in front of Mac in the loveseat.   
For a moment he thought he had made the worst mistake of all but in the very next Mac slowly opened her full lips and welcomed him. His hands removed hers over her nipples; he was teasing them with his fingers hard.  
  
Mac softly pushed him away, "We cannot Harm, it is just not right."   
"But I need you," he said while placing kisses all over her chest, "I need to fuck you," he repeated and already had his fingers stroking her between the legs. Mac was able to control her moan anymore. She slowly let her back touch the backrest of the loveseat and close her eyes, letting herself feel him working her. And she moaned again.  
  
He had pushed away the piece of silk and let his fingers wander into a neatly trimmed, partly waxed or shaved – he wasn't sure – bush of black hair. He started to work one finger onto her clit, pushing at it with every breath she took. It didn't take long and her body was shivering all over, her areolas pulled into tight buds.

* * *

The voice inside her told her to tell him to stop but she couldn't. He was still a desirable man and she had wanted him half her life, up to six months ago, and now he was doing those incredible things to her with his hands, making her shiver and moan.   
But she was still mad at him for what he had said this morning and he was drunk, not ... oh, god ... he was good at that.

* * *

"Let's move this to the bed," he whispered, "Mac. It will be more comfortable for you." And in this moment her brain went shut down. He wanted her. Harmon Rabb Jr. wanted her.   
"Harm, it isn't right."   
"It is, and I need to f..."   
"I get what you mean," but she didn't. She should have let him finish this line, he told himself, because if she would have asked him to leave the room.  
  
With his help she got out of the loveseat and moved to the bed. Within the last steps he had pushed down her slip and massaged her breasts from behind. Harm pressed his still in jeans clad form against her muscular back. No more words were said.   
He undressed himself and Mac sat down at the edge and watched him. When both were nude he started to outrace her tattoo softly with his fingertips.

* * *

She had noticed that he was a big boy in every way, impressive to be honest but this fact aroused her even more. It had been a long time, she told herself, and it will be uncomfortable and maybe even hurt a little. He just would have to go slow on her, not too hard.  
  
"On hands and knees," Harm said, his eyes gone all dark blue.

* * *

And then she was on her hands and knees and he was admiring her body. Within in seconds and less preparation he was in her, pressing himself completely into her. And she groaned and carefully tried to move, loosen herself a little but he didn't want her to accommodate. He had never been in a tighter fit. It felt like his own hand was working him and they still hadn't moved. He felt her pulsating, her blood pump through the small blood vessels surrounding him.

* * *

She felt the pain of him inside her, he was bigger than she expected or the last time she had sex was longer gone than she had thought – one way or the other, it was painful and uncomfortable but every groan was just a groan.   
Harm didn't ask if she liked it or not, if it hurt or not, if it was uncomfortable or not, he just speeded up, grabbed her breasts tightly that they hurt painfully and pressed her nipples together while his hips kept crashing into her forcefully.   
"You like it hard, I have always known that," he said in between moans. "You like it hard baby, yes."  
  
She didn't reply. Mac tried to concentrate on the movements in her belly, to relax into his hard thrusts and not to tense. The whole thing didn't feel right. There was no passion, just lust on his side and need. Many thoughts were running through her head, what would have happened if the door would have been closed?  
  
She felt his hands move on her, a hand gliding between her legs, and suddenly everything went dark, she shortly screamed an half loud "oh yes," and crashed into the cushions.

* * *

The moment he felt Mac going limp, he pushed three more times into her and then he came hard. He groaned loudly, not caring about waking Tristan.  
  
When he was finished, he headed to the bathroom and cleaned himself. Then he looked at Mac. She had rolled to her side, still naked. And he finally noticed the tattoo the first time for real, the roses, the art. He noticed the dark lines under her eyes, her perfect hair and those soft but full lips which were slightly open. He noticed her belly and how her hand was resting on one place of it.  
  
Harm sat down next to her sleeping form and put his big hand on her belly and there he felt the soft movement and jealousy rose in him. "This wasn't right, I slept with a woman who is pregnant with somebody else's kids," he mumbled and got up, "somebody else's kids. She left pregnant without telling me. She fucked another guy and blames me not telling her about Renee. She fucked ...," he took a deep breath, and looked back a very last time, "she was fucking somebody else, like always, somebody else."

* * *

When Mac got up in the morning he was already gone and it was just 6 am. The moment she had left the bed she felt the soreness between her legs, something she hadn't felt in a long. Her breasts hurt and were bruised from his rough grasps. She threw the robe from the day before over and got Tristan who was smiling at her happily and headed towards the master bedroom.   
All the bedclothes were put together on the floor and when she walked around, she noticed the rest of some clothes in the fireplace. The moment she knelt down she remembered the material – blue cotton. Harm's boxer shorts from the night before. Mac was confused.  
  
Slowly she walked down and started on Tristan's morning bottle when she noticed the sheet of paper pinned on the fridge.  
  
_**"M.   
You know that it was never meant to happen. You should have not let it happen. I was drunk. But it seemed easy for you to get into the right mood.  
H."**_   
  
If there wouldn't have been Tristan making funny sounds, she would have had a complete breakdown. He was implying, implying what she thought he was ... she couldn't believe it. With those lines he was telling her that she was a slut. Harmon Rabb Jr. was telling her, his former best friend that she was a slut.

* * *

Three weeks nearly passed and there was no word from Harm. Mac tried hard to forget the night they had spent together and the lines she had read in the morning and fell into a routine with Tristan.   
Mac had been able to get her old Marine lawyer job back at JAG without really talking to AJ. He had called, saying that tomorrow she should be in at 800, she could bring Tristan with her and Harriet would bring a maternity uniform over.  
  
So Mac started to clean the house a little bit and put some Christmas decorations here and there. She had found a full box in the cellar, and wondered if they were Harm's or Renee's, a lot was new and some pretty old.  
  
And suddenly she had a small wooden plane in her hands with Harm's name written over the side of it in child writing and tears started rolling over her cheeks.  
  
The doorbell rang and she suddenly tried too fast to get up and felt a sharp pain in her back, between stifles she got up, pressed on hand hard against her lower back and softly waddled towards the door. She opened it, thinking it would be Harriet but there was a foreigner in uniform in front of her.   
Suddenly she went completely pale. "Mrs. Rabb," he asked with a deep voice. Mac didn't know what to say but asked him in. Tristan started to cry and Mac went over to get him. "What can I do for you Major MacNeill?"   
"I am sorry to tell you though but Harmon Rabb Jr. Tomcat went missing over the Saudi Arabian Desert three days ago. Up to the very moment no troop was able to find the plane or him in person. I am sorry to tell you this, just two days before Christmas but it was my duty."   
Mac was silent, softly shivering. Tristan didn't stop crying.   
"Calm down baby, calm down, daddy will be found," she whispered while rubbing his back. "You don't have to be sorry Major, I am a marine myself I know what duty means."   
"The chances are pretty low. I was given this letter to hand it over to you. If you will not hear from us within the next two days, you shall open it."   
"How low are the chances?" she asked a little confused.   
"The nights are pretty cold at the desert at this time of the year, and if he survived the crash, if there was one, without injuries he may freeze to death."   
"Thank you."  
  
The Major handed Mac the envelope with her name scribbled over it. It was thick and white, probably more than one page of calling her bad words- maybe the birth certificate of Tristan or some other legal stuff.

* * *

Harriet ranged the ball and after the second attempt she opened the door and stepped in. Mac had fallen asleep on the sofa; Tristan was awake in the crib. She noticed Mac's red rimmed eyes. She walked towards her and put the quilt over her sleeping body and took Tristan and walked with the baby towards the study and nursed him a bottle.  
  
She had fallen in love with Tristan the day he was born, not caring about Renee. She never had liked her, never, not even the moment she got married to Harm. And deep inside she had always blamed Mac's leaving on Harm's way to deal with emotions and problems – burying them deep inside, till its too late.  
  
She wandered a little through the kitchen, cleaned some stuff up and always had an eye on Mac. Then she crossed the shelf with a calendar on it, something she hadn't seen before. She took it off and sat down on one of the chairs. Okay, she told herself, it's not fair to sneak into Mac's calendar but who knows what plans she has?   
Mac had put Tristan's weight gain in exactly like she had been told when Harriet and she had been at a doctor, also her own on a weekly base with some measurements. And when she turned over she read Harm's note which was pinned towards the end of it.

* * *

Mac was over at Harriet's for a tree decorating party. After Harriet had read the note she had called everybody and organised it for the next day. She didn't want Mac to be alone on the 24th and Harm's Grandma had told her on the phone that the whole family, as Trish with her husband and herself would be there on the 25th in the very early morning, so Mac wouldn't be alone.  
  
Mac was wearing some red number, no not a small red number, but a comfortable one Harriet had talked her in buying. She looked fantastic in it. It went down to her knees in dark red velvet and had an empire waist, the décolleté cut in a deep V. Harriet twice caught Bud staring at it and slapped him on the butt.  
  
Everybody was sitting together, little AJ holding Tristan's hand when suddenly the door bell rang. Harriet went to answer it. A man in uniform was standing in front of her, Major Geoffrey Custer, he asked for Mrs. Harmon Rabb. Harriet had to brace herself against the door not to get a black out.   
"Mac, could you come here for a minute."  
"Sure," she replied, "give me five to get out of this sofa."   
"No Mac, it's important." Within a couple of moments later Mac was standing there, Tristan on her arm with a bottle in the other hand, the admiral at her side.   
"Mrs. Rabb?" he asked her.   
"What can we do for you?" the admiral asked in return and the Major just looked confused. "Admiral AJ Chegwidden, she is working under my command."   
"It's a private matter, Admiral."  
"Nevertheless, we are also friends. So tell me what you have to say," Mac countered. The foreigner studied Mac carefully, not saying a word.   
"Don't you want to sit down, Ma'm?"   
"I guess not."   
"Well I am sorry to tell you this, but Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. went missing three days ago, with his tomcat, over the Saudi Arabian desert. All rescue troops came home without any message."   
If there wouldn't have been AJ's strong arm around Mac's back, she would have crashed into the floor. Quickly Harriet took Tristan from her arms and Sturgis came running to help AJ carrying her to the sofa.   
"Come in Major," Harriet said and gathered him inside the living room. Mac was put on the sofa and Budd brought a big glass of cold water.   
"Let her drink it, it works," he commented on it.   
"Major, may you tell us exactly what happened?"   
"Sir, of course. He should not have been flying that deep into the Arabian Desert, just Kuwait and some parts of Yemen but he flew in and he must have gotten shot down or something like that. We have no exact reports on it, Sir. But as you may know, it gets very cold at this time of the year in the Arabian Desert, so if he got shot down and is wounded..."   
"Right, we do not need any more details, I get what you want to tell me. She doesn't need to hear more in her situation," the Major just nodded, "so I want you to inform me in person about any news. Please do not call her, talk to me first. We do not want her to get into an early delivery or something like that; she is not far enough with the twins yet."   
"Of course Sir, I can handle this."  
  
After the man left they took very good care of Mac. She was crying and talked no word to anybody, only cried and sobbed. The men had brought her to one of the guestrooms upstairs and she lay curled up like a ball at the centre of the bed and cried silently. Everybody had known that they had a strong bond in between them but everybody was shocked about this reaction of Mac, only Harriet understood.   
She silently stepped towards Mac and sat down besides her starting to trace loose circles on her back.  
"They will find him Mac, I am hundred percent sure," she whispered a couple of times softly. "They will find him and you two will get time to talk about everything that happened in the last weeks."   
"But what if they don't?" Mac asked between hiccups and sobs.   
"They will find him; you just have to believe in it." Harriet lay down behind Mac and started those lose circles on her belly. She felt the soft movement inside and whispered all over again into her ear, that they will find Harm whatever it will cost.

* * *

_**END PART 3  
  
AN: Okay I didn't plan going this way in the beginning but it somehow fit. So do not be sad, we will find him, somehow, some day. ms.parkera(at)gmx.at**_


	4. Part 4

Note: the lyrics are from Katie Melua's "The closest thing to crazy" - which is a perfect song, sang by the perfect voice.   
Well some didn't like the last chapter, but let's see ....   
  
**Part 4**   
  
It was the 24th of December now and Christmas was here, joy and happiness should have filled the Rabb house, but it didn't. Trish and Grams had come as soon as Harriet and the Admiral had called them.

* * *

"Come on Mac, get out of bed and take a shower. It's Christmas, Tristan's first Christmas."   
"He is a baby Grams, he doesn't care."   
"But I do, get the hell out of bed and get dressed. Lunch is waiting and so are Tristan and Trish."   
"I don't want to."  
"Do you want me to get angry with you? Harm may be missing but you have to take care of yourself and Tristan. It was his ..."   
"F... him," Mac nearly screamed.   
"What the hell Mac ..."   
"Well you know, your so holy grandson fucked me and left the next morning, telling me that I had made a mistake," she yelled and tears were running like rivers down her reddish cheeks. She didn't know that she could still cry, not after she had cried for the whole night. Gram was standing there shocked. This hadn't been planned. She had thought better of her grandson but having sex always involved two willing people, she remembered that. It may have been a long time since she had had sex, but she was remembering Harm's grandpa like it had been yesterday, his strong shoulders, the big hands, the sensitive spot behind his ear. Mac curled herself together in a ball, as well as possible, and started crying again. He had left her, telling that she was a slut, which was the true message on the sheet of paper.   
"I am sure that he didn't mean ..."   
"No Gram, please, he meant it. I just never thought ..."   
Gram sat down on the bed and pressed Mac's whimpering, sobbing form against her small body. Mac was breakable now, nothing like the woman Harm had told her about, not the strong minded Marine he had described to her, no – he had broken her, broken all the walls down she had carefully built around her over the years.   
"You enjoyed it?" the elderly woman asked carefully.   
"Not really, but ..." Mac started to remember Harm's rough hands on her. She remembered the pain, the soreness of the morning but also the incredible heights she had reached with him, "but it was okay."  
"What happened Mac?" the motherly tone came through.   
And Mac told her the story, not every detail, but Gram nodded. Mac had cried herself back to sleep after finishing and Grandma Rabb knew that it wouldn't be easy. She couldn't tell Trish. Her dream had always been to have a daughter but no, she only had a son. And now she had a granddaughter whom she started to love more and more, day by day.   
Her motherly instincts told her that Mac was insecure and hurt, that if Harm would come through the door this minute, she'd have to kill him for breaking Mac's heart. But he was missing and Mac was not able to bear the loss.   
But he has always had feelings for her, if not; he wouldn't have had sex with her the night before he left. But how could he hurt her like this in the most sensitive time of her life? Mac never really had a family, she told herself, and now she tries hard to establish her own, giving herself something she has never had – and he breaks her. Grams just couldn't believe it. She slowly started to lose faith in her own grandson.

* * *

Later that day, shortly before dinner, Mac came downstairs. She was dressed in a loose white blouse with red stars on it and dark red trousers. She felt huge in them but okay.  
"Oh look baby who is coming down," Trish commented with a smile on her lips and Tristan on her arm. "Oh Mac, I thought, we could rearrange the master bedroom furniture after Christmas, so you can move in there as it is meant to be."  
Mac only looked towards Trish.   
"It is your house now and you do not need to sleep in your own guestroom. And Renee's stuff can be stored somewhere if Harm wants some stuff ..."   
After Mac had heard Harm's name tears were swelling in her eyes again.   
Gram only shot her daughter-in-law a hard look. Gram knew that it wasn't easy for Trish either. She had lost her husband in war and now her son was missing and her only grandson would be raised without his parents in blood, but by a stranger. No, Mac wasn't a stranger to Trish but she was not Tristan's mother even if she liked her more than Renee.  
  
All three sat down on the sofa and Trish gave Tristan the bottle. "I brought some catalogues over. I have no clue what you like, but everything is better than this white and pink, the way it is now. It is just, I don't know ... like a Barbie house!" Mac had to smile because she had thought the same the first time she entered it.   
"I have still some of my stuff in New York ... also for the twins."   
"Oh great, give me the address and I will organise everything," Trish replied with a smile. She had handed Mac a sheet of paper and she wrote the address and everything else down. "So what colour for the nursery?"   
"It is already yellow, I like that."   
"Mac, Tristan's is too small for three beds, I thought about adopting one of the guestrooms as nursery for the moment because a bathroom near a dirty baby is always a positive thing, and the nursery will become the playroom for example or we could put something else in there, like a study ..."   
"Harm's study in here in the basement, there is no need ..."   
"Yeah right, one is enough if filled with law books."   
"I don't know his, never been there," Mac said while watching snowflakes falling.  
"The main priority will be to get new furniture for the bedrooms and establish the big nursery. Are you okay with that Mac or do you have any other plans?"   
"No it's okay," she said sadly thinking about all the hours she had put in her nursery in New York. "But I want the things from NY shipped in before we do anything on the nurseries."   
"Of course. I will get everything here by the 26th Mac and you control everything, colour, schemes of wallpaper, curtains – it's just us to give you a hand and help you with Tristan." Tears welled up in their eyes.   
"We are to be a family," Trish said and hugged Mac tightly. "You are family Mac. You are now the role model for Tristan, you may have not given birth to him but you are his mother now. I am not to tell him the truth later, that is not my business. By law, as far as I read you are his mother."   
"But Harm was married to Renee and everything."   
"Yes but the thing is that you are his mother now. He needs you and Harm wanted him to be with you and since Harm is missing now," she said sadly, "you are the only relative to him."  
"No I am not."  
"You are, I am sure." "Okay, stop that now, it can wait till after Christmas."

* * *

The Christmas morning was filled with the sound of Christmas songs, a happy baby and a very silent Mac. Gram and Trish surprised her with a breakfast in bed and Mac tried her best to be happy but she just wasn't. This wasn't what she had planned for her first Christmas as a mother, or a mother to be.  
  
With the cup of tea in her hand Mac started to remember the night they had spent together ...  
  
_How can I think I'm standing strong,  
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?  
How can happiness feel so wrong?  
How can misery feel so sweet?  
How can you let me watch you sleep,  
Then break my dreams the way you do?  
How can I have got in so deep?  
Why did I fall in love with you?_  
  
How his hands felt on her skin, how it made her all tingly and hot. How she felt soft sweat running down her temple when he was in her.  
  
_This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been  
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,  
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,  
I was never crazy on my own.  
And now I know that there's a link between the two,  
Being close to craziness and being close to you._  
  
How he made her feel, feelings she hadn't felt in a long; feelings she thought she would never feel again, emotions which were new but felt somehow familiar, like being home.  
  
Those memories made her smile but also cry. Sweet tears. It was all so different from the night before it happened. She may have been angry about his behaviour towards his son but now she was hurt, her heart was broken.  
  
_How can you make me fall apart  
Then break my fall with loving lies?  
It's so easy to break a heart;  
It's so easy to close your eyes.  
How can you treat me like a child  
Yet like a child I yearn for you?  
How can anyone feel so wild?  
How can anyone feel so blue? _

* * *

Christmas went over silently. When Mac came downstairs to exchange presents, the ones she had bought with Harriet's help a few days ago, Tristan was dressed in a baby Santa costume Grams had knitted the days before. Mac had to laugh heard when she saw him and both women laughed with her.  
"This is for you," Grams said and handed her a big box, "it's something small. Don't take it the wrong way Trish but Mac is the like the daughter I've never had," she ended and placed a kiss on Mac's forehead who was sitting on the sofa.   
"You didn't have to Grams."   
"Yes I did. Nevertheless it is Christmas and I wanted to give this to you." Mac opened the box and saw a huge handmade quilt in front of her, "I made it a long ago for Harm's wedding bed but it never felt right to give it to Renee. I had this feeling ... and now I want you to have it. It feels right to give it to you."  
"Oh Grams I don't know what to say."   
"Say that you like it."   
"I don't like it, I love it." Mac stood up and opened the quilt. It was huge and in light colours with some dark reddish highlights, with a double ring motif on it.  
"It's a double wedding ring motif. It should have been for his wedding night."  
"Grams as wonderful as it is, I can not take it."   
"Why not? I want to give it to you; I always wanted it to be yours after he started to tell me about his marine colleague."   
"He talked of me?"   
"Always Mac, always. Mac here and Mac there and Mac thinks that I shouldn't go back to flying and Mac thinks this."  
"Gosh yes, sometimes I asked him if he would be sure that you aren't a couple yet but he always got quite angry with me when I teased him," Trish commented sadly, "he always had something to tell about you. I felt like I knew you before we met, I knew everything and nothing. He never told me anything about your past or the alcohol problem you once had, that was Renee."   
"Let's not talk about her today."   
"You all probably know that I am not very religious at all, but I think we should say a prayer for her up there, nevertheless she gave her life for Tristan," Trish said softly.   
"I thought the same some moments ago. She gave him life and he is still Harm's son even if I never really liked her." Mac said and turned towards Tristan, took him out of the seat and held him against her motherly chest and they all said a Holy Father and two Ave Marias for Renee and Trish added some words to it, thanking her for Tristan. After finishing it a big silence filled the room.  
  
Mac gave a dark red wool cardigan to Grams and a new Cashmere pullover to Trish and Mac gave her some vouchers for a maternity clothes shop and some earrings. Mac had opened the small green box carefully not knowing what was inside. Trish sat down beside her when she had it open and stared at them.   
"My mum gave them to me when I was pregnant with Harm," she said softly and touched Mac's arm. "We can not control other people's decisions but we can push them in the right direction. I always thought those diamonds would look fantastic with your tanned skin and dark eyes."   
Mac was speechless.   
Nobody had ever given her something like that, never, not even Mick or Clayton, Chris or some other lover. She still hadn't said a word. She was stunned, a little anxious but also shocked. She was family now. She had a family now. A family.   
"God Trish, I don't know what to say."   
"Just put them on for me," begged Trish and Mac did so. They indeed looked wonderful on her, complementing her darker skin and brown eyes, the reddish highlights in her now longer hair and her all-round glow.

* * *

It was nearly a month since Harm left for the Patrick Henry, more than two weeks since she last got contacted from an officer about Harm's status as missing.  
  
Trish and Grams pushed Mac into redecorating rooms. She was not in the mood for it and her health status was not letting her do much. Her back was killing her and she got big over Christmas. Harriet and AJ junior were over at her place a lot to help with Tristan and normal stuff she couldn't reach or should not do in Harriet's opinion.  
  
So tomorrow, January 7, the four women wanted to start redecorating the bedroom – which meant packing all of Harm's and Renee's belongings into boxes. Mac insisted that Renee's stuff was stored in the cellar so Harm could decide later what to do with it.  
  
Mac was sitting on the floor with in the bedroom while the other woman took care of Tristan for a moment and started putting Renee's underwear into the box. Mac smiled about the careful arranged sets in the drawer. In the second drawer she suddenly felt something hard under a bunch of bras and got it out – Renee's Diary.  
  
Firstly she was not sure what to do, if reading it would be incorrect but she could not resist.  
  
_"August 23rd   
A day ago we finally got married. It was not easy to talk him into getting married but after I got pregnant it was an easy game. It is what I always wanted, him on my side, even for the price I will pay in the end.   
I know that he wanted Mac to come but I was more than happy that he didn't get any reply from her and that she was not there. I have this feeling that if she would have been here we would not be married now. She had always been in the way between us. Always.   
But Mac, you never thought about having a child with him to solve all your problems did you? Nope you never did that, you have always been the good girl, and you left in the right moment. She never thought about the pressure she put on Harm when she left without a word. He was furious and constantly in a bad mood. Once I even surprised him in the study when he held a picture of them, from the embassy I guess, in his hands and cried.   
I always knew that he loves her and always will because there is a special bond between them. But it was me who got him in the end. And Mac probably never will know about the reasons behind all that.   
I already know that probably I will not survive this pregnancy, all my sisters died at their first pregnancy, grandma. There is no medical reason for it, nothing you can proclaim, it just happens. But this way I even have the most wonderful weeks of my life spend with him.  
The only thing that makes me angry is that he will not name our baby Harm. He said to me in no way because it does not feel right to him. Nevertheless it will be his baby, and only his, unfortunately.   
Wedding nights are okay. I thought it would be more romantic and so on but it was okay. It is not like we have never had sex before. I am more than just pregnant. Harm only touches my belly if I ask him to, I think he doesn't like all the stretch marks around it but those are signs of love, our love.   
Before everything will find its end, I will show him the right paths through life. He will be there for the baby and never think back to Mac or somebody else."  
_  
Mac read on a couple of days later.  
  
"_September 1st   
Today he told me that in no way he will sleep with me again. The things I yelled at him made things impossible. He even got his books into the guestroom, the one with the greenish furniture, and told me that in no way I will speak about Mac like that again.   
I cannot remember what I said but it was of course not friendly. I yelled at him again that he is my husband now and not hers, that she was not even at HIS wedding and she hasn't called or something else.   
He only stared at me and told me what a hell of a bitch I am. That he already assumed that I planned all that to split them up.   
Tonight is the first night he sleeps in the guest room. I don't know what I have done or said to make him think it, nevertheless he is right."  
_  
Mac, still sitting on the floor, couldn't believe what she just read. Renee had planned all that. Slowly she got up and went to "her room" to hide the diary. She didn't want Trish or Grams so see it, nor Harriet. It was not right. Not even she should have read those lines.

* * *

After storing all the things the new furniture arrived. Mac had decided not to take coloured wood furniture with a big four poster bed. The walls were painted in a special yellow, the curtains a special shade of red and over the fire place Mac rearranged all the photos of Harm and her she ever had taken.  
  
The first night in this "new" bedroom felt strange. In the one corner were still all of Harm's belongings and since she didn't get any sleep she started to put Harm's trousers, pullovers, shirts back into the new wardrobe. Some of his shirts still smelled like him. It was also the reason why Mac decided to "steal" his Basketball shirt to sleep in.

* * *

Within two weeks the three women had redecorated the house. Mac's role was to tell them if it was okay with her to paint the room in one or the other colour or not. Her former bedroom was the new nursery now, coloured in yellow with ducks on the sides. Three cribs were put next to each other, all in white with yellow cloth inlets with ducks. Mac had decided that she liked ducks best after Harriet talked her into deciding between ducks and mice. Mac had never liked mice.   
But all in all Mac was not really into anything at the moment. She tried her best to give Tristan all the love he needed, cuddle him, bath with him and all those things but things were not going to get any easier during the next week till she would give birth.   
She had never told anybody about the diary but also has never read another page again. She felt uncomfortable. The next day would be her first day back at work.

* * *

In the morning she fed Tristan his bottle who gave her a smile after burping and Grams who was staying with her, took him over. Mac was dressed in a maternity uniform she already felt uncomfortable with because she thought that she would look like she was wearing a tent.  
  
But the moment she entered the bullpen for the first time again, she knew that she decided the right thing to go back to work – she felt completely at home again. Now only Harm had to be found, soon!  
  
She wanted to tell him so many things, things which should have been said years ago.

* * *

It was Sunday January 22 when Mac was woken by the door bell. Only clad in Harm's dark blue robe she headed downstairs.  
"Give me a moment, I am coming," she screamed while heading to the door. The moment she opened it, she was partly in shock but hopefully looking forward.   
"Colonel McKenzie?"  
"Yes that's me," Mac replied the soldier standing outside, "Do you want to come in for a moment?"   
"Thanks, I am only here Colonel to tell you that we have found Commander Rabb. He will be transferred to Washington tomorrow."  
Mac just sat down on the sofa with a deep sigh. Finally, they had found him. She wanted to cry. "Can you tell me how he is doing?"   
"Of course I can Colonel," he opened a notepad, "he is doing fine except for a light amnesia and the fact that he will probably never fly again because both of his legs are broken." Mac stared at him in shock. "Nothing complicated Ma'm. As far as I can tell you, everything will be fine soon."  
"Good, I can not tell you how much that means to me. But what about the amnesia?"   
"I don't know you have to speak to the doctor yourself I guess."  
"Believe me, I will do that."

* * *

On the next day Mac dressed into her best uniform and put Tristan in the small Navy uniform the admiral got him three days before. She put him into the baby carrier and called a cab.  
  
The moment she arrived at the hospital, it was slightly after midday, she was told where she would find the doctor, to speak with him before speaking to the patient himself.  
  
"Dr. Waltham," she asked shyly, "I am Colonel McKenzie; I am here to speak with you..."   
"You are the relative of Commander Rabb?"   
"Yes that's right."  
"I was told that you maybe come over today to see him and talk to me. I only have to inform you about his status. The problem why he crashed into the desert was that he lost control over himself, partly. We only can assume what happened. Do you want to sit down?" he asked her studying her form carefully.   
"Thanks a lot," Mac replied and carefully lowered herself to the sofa.   
"Okay you were told that he has two broken legs, nothing complicated, and a slight amnesia but the fact is that we had to relieve the pressure from his head. That is also why I wanted to talk to you before you visit him. Was he acting strange before he went back to the Patrick Henry?"   
Mac went silent for a moment. He was different but he hadn't seen him for months before all that had happened. Mac only stared against the wall.   
"Was he more aggressive? Or just acting differently?"   
"I guess he was yes doctor. We didn't see each other for quite some time before he left and then everything happened very quickly. But he was different. He..."  
"Okay, can you tell me in detail ...?"   
"Not much," Mac took a deep breath. One hand was resting on her the other on Tristan's belly. "I don't know if he was more aggressive, he just tended to drink more since Renee, his wife, died but I thought it might be his form of grieving. Everything he said was somehow, I don't know ... he was different but I can not blame him, he lost his wife and the mother of his child."   
"Maybe it was just a bad timing but he relieved the pressure but when he crashed he must have hit his head pretty badly. He has some haematomas on his head and ribcage."   
"And about his legs?"  
"It is nothing complicated but he will probably never go back to flying, at least not tomcats, privately maybe." Mac only nodded. "How far along are you if you allow me to ask?"   
"Thirty-three weeks with twins."   
"So it will be soon that you give birth?"   
"Honestly said, I cannot wait it is all getting a little onto me lately."   
"Have you already started with Lamaze classes?"   
"No," Mac nearly whispered and shook her head.   
"Okay I see I make you uncomfortable, let's go and see how the Commander is doing."  
  
Mac was nervous and even noticed some butterflies in her stomach. How long had it been since she felt that?

* * *

Doctor Waltham opened the door slowly and together they entered the room.   
"Harm," Mac nearly whispered and stared at him. She was more nervous then ever before, even more than before her almost-wedding, more than before the insemination.   
He only stared back at her, not saying a word.   
"He hasn't said much yet," Doctor Waltham commented silently.   
Mac put the baby carrier onto the desk near the wall and got Tristan out. Slowly she moved with the baby towards Harm's side and sat down on the bed.  
She noticed that Harm started to study her carefully. Harm was not smiling, nor saying anything. The next thing Mac noticed was Harm's hand softly touching his son's face.  
"I don't know ..."   
"I know Harm, I know. You will remember everything."   
"I only know that you left ..."   
"But I am back."  
"And pregnant."   
"Yes I am and this is your son, Harm, Tristan."   
"Tristan ...," he said with a sad smile.   
"He is your and Renee's son."   
"Renee's?"   
"Yes, but unfortunately she died at his birth."  
"Do not tell me please, I do not want to know it."   
"Doctor Waltham, when will he be able to leave the hospital?"  
"It depends on his head and how the legs heal but within 10 days I would say."  
Nobody said anything else till the doctor left the room.   
"Can I hold him?" Harm asked carefully and Mac helped to arrange Tristan correctly in his arm. This was the image Mac had pictured carefully over the last weeks. In his left arm he had his son and the right was closed over Mac's hand. Harm was looking incredible pleased with his surroundings.

* * *

For the next ten days Mac visited Harm daily after work and sometimes even in her lunch break. Harm's mom and Grams tried to be with Tristan a lot. But not everything went that smoothly. Harm started to remember one or the other thing slowly, he remembered the fact that Renee died, that Mac came to Renee's funeral and that he wanted her to take care of Tristan and never see either of them ever again.  
  
Too quickly for him the day arrived in which he should come back "home". Harm was not sure what he had to expect. He remembered too much of what he had said to his grandma and Mac. He was told that all that was caused by the pressure on his brain, that it was the reason for his aggressive behaviour but he was not able to excuse himself.  
  
The Admiral and Trish picked him up and helped him into the car; put the wheelchair in the back. He hoped that Mac would be around but after all he remembered, he didn't wonder that she was not there.  
  
But the moment he entered the house he felt home. He did not really remember much of his house, except for the fact that he had signed the papers to give it officially to Mac. His stepfather helped him to settle down on the sofa and brought him something to drink.   
"Where is Mac, mom?" he asked.   
"She is at the doctor."   
"Something happened?" he asked with some fear in his voice.   
"No, it is just the routine check up. You know that she is 33 weeks along and it could be any day that she goes into labour."   
"No I didn't know that, I didn't think ..."   
"She has two weeks more at work, two weeks in which a nurse will help you around most of the day but Mac made it clear that after those two weeks she is sure that you are back on your feet and can do much of the stuff alone. Your legs are doing fine now and I really beg you not to be a pain in the ass Harm."  
"I never am," he said with lots of humour.   
"You always are," replied Mac who had entered the house.   
"Good to see you," he said with a smile dancing on his lips.   
"Thanks. Here you can have your son while I get into something comfortable," she replied and lay the baby on Harm's chest.   
Yet he realised Mac's increasing size, he watched her carefully from his place how she walked upstairs, one hand resting on her belly the other one carefully on the banister.  
  
A couple of minutes later she came back in a dark blue sweat combination he remembered to be his.   
"It looks good on you."  
"It is okay I guess. Since it is Saturday, what do you want to eat?"  
"I want to talk to you Mac."  
"Not hungry?"   
"No, not after all I remember."   
"Harm, please let me grab something to eat first, let them all head home and then, if you still want, we can talk."   
"Where am I about to sleep?"   
"Frank and AJ will bring you upstairs to your bedroom and tomorrow the mobile nurses will help you a little and we will try to get a bed into the study, if you want to."   
"I don't care; I mean for me it is not important. It has to be comfortable for you Mac. I don't want you to ..."   
"Harm, I may be pregnant but I can still climb stairs and handle myself perfectly."

* * *

They left late and Mac was pretty tired but after AJ and Frank had carried Harm upstairs, the wheelchair too, she only made them some sandwiches and brought it upstairs. Tristan was already asleep in his bed, in the nursery. Harm had insisted that Mac would stay in the master bedroom and he'd take a guestroom. Mac brought him his sandwich and a glass of iced tea he asked her for and left the room. During this short visit Harm had been at the bathroom taking care of his beard.  
  
An hour later Mac heard a soft knock on her door, she looked around.  
"Come in," she replied. Slowly the door opened and Harm helped himself in. He was only clad in boxer shorts and a shirt because Frank had helped him changed earlier.   
"We have to talk Mac," Harm said and wheeled a little more towards Mac who had climbed back onto bed.   
"Okay, so you can start if you want," she said monotonous. For a couple of seconds he only studied her. She was wearing a cotton nighty, greenish which fit her like a second skin.   
"Mac, I do not know what I should tell you. I am not 100 percent sure about all events of my past yet, but I know that I am sorry of what happened between us. Okay this got out wrong; I am not sorry that we slept with each other but the way how it happened and that I left the next day with this note." Mac looked up from her hands towards Harm who was next to her. "I was angry, yes that is true, because you left without telling me. You just were away suddenly and nobody was willing to tell me where you are."  
"Nobody except AJ knew it."  
"But he never told me, I only wanted ..."   
"I asked him not to, Harm, it was hard enough this way," she said with a whisper and put a hand on her belly to calm the babies down, who tried to dance Mambo inside her.   
"I want to tell you that I am really sorry for everything. I left you a message at the office that Renee was back – Grams told me that you never got it."  
"I never got anything, Harm, really."  
"Is that the reason why you left? Because you felt betrayed?"   
"It is not that easy."   
"Tell me, please Mac," Harm begged and reached for Mac's hand. She took a deep breath, traced small circles on her belly, and started to tell him. "You know it had been five years when she came back, exactly five years? Our deal was nearly due and I was looking forward to it. It was my only chance at the moment, I really looked forward to it. Suddenly you cancelled our "date" and then the next thing I hear is that you are going to be a daddy! What do you think I would feel like? I always thought that we are best friends ..."   
"We were. I was completely overwhelmed. Every time I tried to catch you for Lunch you were at court and at night you seem occupied with different things. I thought you had noticed it, that somebody had told you."   
"Nobody did," she said and a single tear was running down her cheap and she tried to hide it.   
"Do not cry Mac, please," Harm whispered and helped himself onto the bed, it took some time but some time later he was sitting next to Mac and holding her in his arms, calming her down, but she let her tears soak into his shirt. "I never wanted to hurt you Mac, not in any way. I am so sorry," he said and nearly started to cry too.

* * *

**End Part 4   
**Want more?  
  
ms.parker (at) gmx.at 


	5. Part 5

_AM: I tried something different here, to work her past in. If some elements are not 100% correct; I am sorry, but I wrote it one afternoon because I got inspired by the song.The song is "Family Portrait" by PINK  
__This is my story and I use the characters ...  
Thanks to Mel for the beta again and I am sorry that I am late this time but RL made me busy_

**I surrender ... I survive   
Part 5**

* * *

He was holding her when she pushed him away to get some air, some space, a second to clear her head. She was still angry at him, at what he'd done and said.   
"What was so complicated, Mac?" he asked softly. "What do you do not want to tell me?"   
"I do not want to talk about it, please Harm, go to bed."  
  
He tried to move down to the wheel chair but it looked easier than it was. "Wait a minute, let me help you."  
"No Mac, you will not ..."   
"I am pregnant, not an invalid."   
"But you should not ..."   
Suddenly she heard Tristan crying from the other room.   
"I will be back in a minute," she said in a motherly tone.

* * *

"Calm down honey," Mac murmured and took Tristan out of his bed. The silky maternity nightgown had been a gift from Trish before she left. It was all silk and lace, dark greenish, nearly emerald. It fit her perfectly, snuggled all the right places on her pregnant body.  
  
The doctor had told her that during the next few weeks she would grow bigger and probably gain some weight because the babies take their last grow spurts. He also told her that he was not sure how long she would be carrying them, 35 would be good, 40 perfectly.  
  
She sat down with the baby in her arm into the loveseat, the bottle next to her but she thought differently. She had told her GYN that she was lactating and had to use those pads so there wouldn't be any wet circles on her uniform and then the doctor suggested that she should try to nurse Tristan so she would not make a difference when nursing her twins later. The doctor suggested, as Gram had done before, that she should nurse all three so the bond would be the same.   
So she opened the strap from the gown and saw the soft white drops on the tip of her nearly black areolas. Tristan almost calmed down. She slowly put the baby into position; this was new, even after all these weeks. One hand rested on Tristan's head and the other slowly holding her breast, so he was able to find her nipple and suddenly he started suckling. It was a completely new feeling. A tiny mouth on her nipple, a sound of a happy baby. Harm's baby. Renee's baby, but now her baby.   
Mac watched carefully how his lips curled and his hand softly touched her full breast and nearly put her on fire. This small baby hand told her how much she was needed here. Mac had never thought that she could really nurse Tristan because she didn't believe in it but now it was obvious.   
And her mind start wondering how Tristan would look later, how his dark hair would make him look like his father, those blue eyes. After fifteen minutes Mac changed sides and he started to suckle again softly, after another quarter of an hour she put him back to bed, softly watched his face relax and put the big pillow over him to keep him warm.

* * *

When Mac came back to her room Harm was gone. She was happy about it because she didn't feel well facing this now at night. She wanted to turn back time but this dream often came up her mind.   
She knew that too many things had gone wrong. Mac sat down on her bed but she was not able to lie down. Slowly she got up again and went towards Harm's room. She had to smile when she saw him in his bed, asleep. He looked so calm and happy, peaceful.

* * *

"You alright?" Harm asked when he went downstairs.   
Mac was standing at the open fridge door, taking a deep breath, one hand pressed into the small of her back.   
"Yeah thanks, they are just kicking into my ribcage."  
"You are big and ..."   
"You don't need to tell me Harm, I noticed that. I get out of breath as soon as I try to climb the four stairs down to the garden, to get some fresh air. My back has been killing me for weeks now, I lactate – as you may have noticed those wet spots on the shirt – my feet are swollen, my uniform is too tight everywhere and I had to take the dog tags off because I got an allergic reaction from it and red points around my neck."   
"But you look amazing," Harm said with a huge smile playing on his lips.   
"Spare those words for somebody who believes it."   
Harm moved the wheel chair towards Mac who just closed the fridge and put both hands on the table, taking a few deep breaths. He was now right behind her, fixed the brakes on the chair and put his hands on her hips. She suddenly flexed and moaned softly.   
"Sit down on the sofa, I will try ..."   
"You can not, remember? And please Harm, I am just pregnant, I can handle myself."  
"What is it? Do you want me to go again? Okay, I will call Frank to pick me up and take me to their house in ..."   
"No Harm, just give me a break. All this is not easy for me; nothing of that was planned."   
"Planned?" Harm asked and removed his hands.   
"Yes," Mac mumbled and moved towards the balcony, pulled a jacket over her shoulders and moved outside; let the snow fall onto the softness of her dark hair.  
  
The moment she knew that Renee was pregnant with Harm's baby she had decided to leave. It was not an easy decision for her, not easily made up. She sat more than one evening at home crying, crying to the point where no tears were left anymore. She had told herself that those things would not happen again ...  
  
_Momma please stop cryin, I can't stand the sound  
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down  
I hear glasses breakin' as I sit up in my bed  
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said_  
  
She had told herself that she would not tear a family apart with her feelings. He had made his bed, her place was somewhere else. Mac hoped that his baby would have a better life, a perfect family – a mother who would cry in church at the wedding, a dad who would give his girl away at church; a mother who would make a costume for Halloween and a father to play Lego with or in the sandbox.   
Everything Mac ever wanted.  
  
_You fight about money, 'bout me ... And this I come home to, this is my shelter  
It ain't easy growin up in World War Three  
Never knowin' what love could be, you'll see  
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family  
_  
Mac was also remembering how good things had been. She remembered what her mother looked like after one or the other night – the blue eyes, bruised ribs, broken fingers. She remembered her father when he was drinking and how she felt after her mother left. She felt lost, forgotten, alone.   
Nobody should feel like she did, nobody.  
  
_Can we work it out? Can we be a family?  
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything  
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?  
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't leave  
_  
She felt Harm rolling towards her.   
"Please Harm, don't; you do not understand it."  
"Please make me understand."   
"I cannot," she replied and went back inside. Mac waddled as fast as she could into the guest room downstairs, which would be Harm's in a few days. She closed the door behind her and lay down on the bed, curled up, and started to cry.  
  
_Daddy please stop yellin, I can't stand the sound  
Make mama stop cryin', 'cause i need you around  
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says its true  
I know that she hurts you, but remember:- I love you too!  
_  
The next moment Mac remembered was Harm sitting next to her on the bed, one arm around her belly, smoothing the moving babies down, whispering a lullaby to them. The other hand was resting on the mattress next to her face with a handkerchief in his hand.  
  
_I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away  
Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have no choice, no way  
It ain't easy growin up in World War Three  
Never knowin what love could be, I've seen  
I don't want love to destroy me like it did my family_  
  
Running away had always been her way to deal with big problems. She tried it more than once. She would even have considered moving to Australia with Brumby to save the wedding, but she didn't need to think about it. The wedding never took place.  
  
"Tell me what you don't want me to know," he said softly, "I know it is bothering you. I don't want you to feel stressed."   
"Why do you care Harm?" she said without thinking about the words.   
"Because I've always cared about you. It was always important for me to know that you are doing fine."   
"I am doing fine now Harm."   
"Yeah it is the typical 'Mac fine'. I've known you too long and too well not to know."   
"You think you know me, Harm? Well you don't. You do not know a lot about me, about my past."   
"I am not interested in your past. I know that things went wrong and I know that you never wanted to tell me about it." He took a deep breath. "But if you want to tell me now I will listen to you, try to understand you. I just want you to talk to me." His fingers moved over Mac's cheek. "I do not want you to think that you cannot tell me."   
"But you never told me first."   
"Mac?"   
"About Renee ..."   
"I left you a note on your desk before Renee picked me up. I thought you realised, that somebody told you and you just didn't want to talk about it."  
"But you never said a word to me, you never talked to me at all. We never worked on the same cases anymore; it was always you and Bud against me. You didn't try to contact me in private, nothing. What should I have thought?"   
"I thought if it would be a problem for you, you would try to talk to me, say a word. You never said anything, never. And after I pronounced my impending fatherhood ..."   
"Please Harm ... go, leave me alone," she said and waited for him to leave the room but he didn't even move, except his hand which was still placed on her belly. It worked amazingly, they babies seemed to sleep. "  
What did you expect me to do? Be happy? I nearly waited five years, five long years to have a baby ... with you. And then, just a few days before the day arrives you impregnate another woman! How do you think I would feel?" she nearly screamed at him. All the anger came out. She started to move to the other side of the bed, to get out and flee. To run. To run from the past. The present. The future. But the moment her feet touched the floor a strong pain shot through her body. Mac screamed and moaned soundly after it. She froze in place. Harm noticed it, moved as quickly as possible into the wheelchair and went over to her. He stopped in front of her and saw the pain in her face.   
"Mac, lie down slowly, put a pillow behind your head and take some slow breaths. I will call the ambulance."   
"You don't need to call the ambulance. It's over already. But you can call my doctor please."  
  
An hour later the doctor came out of the guestroom and headed towards Harm, Trish and Grams. Frank and the women wanted to fly back to their own houses for the weekend but when Harm called they returned immediately.  
  
"So what can you tell us?" Harm asked the tall blond woman, clad in dark blue jeans and a red Ralph Lauren shirt.   
"She is doing fine. As she may have told you yesterday, she could give birth any day from now but the longer the babies are in her belly the better their lungs will work and the more they will gain. It is important that they have a good weight, both and not just the bigger one."   
"She hasn't told me anything about yesterday. She went to bed early. Oh, well she said lactation started."   
"Yes that is right, a normal reaction. Well could I speak with you in private?"   
"I have no secrets, it's my mother and my grandma."   
"But it is not about you but about Colonel ..."   
"Is the kitchen right with you?"   
"Yes it would be fine."  
  
Together they moved towards the kitchen and closed the door.   
"Look, you are right, she told you that lactation started. I know that Tristan isn't her baby but yours. She loves the boy and tries the best to be a good mother, or however you want to call her status quo. But the last weeks were hard on her, and for Tristan. He is, as far as I can tell, developing just fine but as soon as the twins are born, she has to take care of three babies and she is afraid of it, afraid to do things wrong. I told her to nurse him now to get him used to it so there won't be any jealousy afterwards."   
"Okay ...," Harm said and looked questioning up to the woman.   
"I want her to stay most of the time in bed for now. I know that you are not doing well yourself but it is the best for her and the babies."   
"That's no problem, a nurse will come ..."   
"It is not just that. Stress is bad for her now. Do not try to push her into directions she doesn't want to go to. I realise that there are a lot of things you have to talk about. I will allow her to walk around a bit, but not much, an hour per day. I know that she will not be able to lie in bed all day, she is still a Marine."   
"Oh hell yes she is again."   
"What else did she tell you? Did anything bother her before?"  
"Well not really. Today in the morning she complained about the babies hitting against her ribs and that she had an allergic reaction on the dog tags."   
"Yeah she seems to be allergic to everything except gold but she isn't able to wear any rings at all because her fingers are swollen."   
"Oh I know."   
"But the thing is, that I do want you to take a little care of her. I know Mac so well that I can tell that she begs for attention, your attention, but she would never tell you. Sooner or later she will tell you the whole story."   
"You know about it?"   
"Sure, but it isn't for me to tell you."  
"Well, so what can I do?"   
"Sit by her side, take care of Tristan ... - normal things. Everything extra ordinary would make her guess that I told you."   
"You know Mac?"   
"Of course I do. We first met in Japan before she got married to Chris. But we haven't seen each other in ages before we finally met again a couple of months ago before she got pregnant. Harriet Roberts was one of my patients; she brought Mac to me after her return from New York."   
Harm just nodded, his eyes fixed some point on the floor. He was not able to meet her gaze. Everybody knew more about Mac than he did.

* * *

Mac tried to get some sleep, she moved from one side to the other but the babies did not seem to care. She heard a soft whining before the door opened and Harm brought Tristan, who was in his lap while he was manoeuvring towards the bed.   
"Hey how are you? This little guy is hungry but he refuses to take the bottle," Harm commented with a smile.   
Mac sat up, smiled, and took Tristan into her arms. She couldn't tell yet if the baby was smiling or not but he calmed down. Harm had to smile at the picture that was presented him – they looked so natural together.  
  
Harm was watching her with big eyes when she put the baby next to her, she slowly pulled the dark blue pregnancy shirt over her head with a moan; and her breast, held together in a white nursing bra, settled back on her belly. Harm could see a foot under the skin of the belly.   
"Ouch," she said and rubbed the spot on her belly where the foot had been before.   
"You nurse him?"   
"Yeah I try to. I already produce enough milk and this way I do not need to pump," she said, calmly unfastening the left side of her bra, and her breast pushed forward.   
Harm studied it carefully, the fullness and roundness of it – he tried to guess about the cup. He had always wondered about what would be under those straight uniforms of hers, what she was hiding. Then those dresses at the embassy, the balls all those dressed were hiding little; but now this was different. She was nursing his son on her breast.   
He remembered her nipples from the night he slept with her, making love would be the wrong term. Those were noticeably larger; the tips were bigger in size and darker in colour.  
  
He wanted to touch them, play with them, let them roll through his fingers, suckle them, kiss them, feel them rub against his chest while making love to Mac.  
  
His son felt the warmth of Mac's skin, opened his mouth and latched on, one hand above her nipple, pressing against her skin. Harm felt warmth spread through his body, an arousing warmness. He felt his manhood rise to the point when he couldn't ignore it anymore. It was the first time since he was back in his, Mac's, house, he felt home, really home. Of course it was not the first erection she caused; he had stopped counting over the years.  
  
Harm noticed Mac closing her eyes when Tristan started to suckle regularly and hard.   
"Calm down honey, there is enough for you ... and for the rest of the group," Mac mumbled.   
"You are so beautiful," Harm commented happily, "I've never seen something more beautiful." "Harm," she said and blushed.   
"No I mean it Mac. I always knew that pregnancy would suit you perfectly, I just never thought that you would look so radiant."   
The redness started to flush her décolleté.   
"You look amazingly beautiful, so natural. God, what would I do to touch you, kiss you or make love to you."   
"You cannot."   
"I could kiss you."   
"Well yes but I guess your son would not like to be interrupted now and put aside."  
That was Harm's sign to pull himself up and down next to Mac, a soft pain rose in his left leg but he ignored it.   
"You know I've wanted to kiss you forever," he said and softly moved a hand over Mac's belly which was visible shown, and the jogging pants were resting under it. Her belly button popped a few days ago. His warm hand danced over the tight skin. Harm's head started to rise and cross Mac's eyes. A wetness was rising in them, a smile dancing on her kissable lips. And then their mouths met for the first time in a long. This time it was slowly. Firstly just their lips met, and then slowly she started to trace his lips with the tip of her tongue. Harm moved closer towards her.   
"God Mac you make me so hot but it is not the time for it now, we just cannot. I just cannot."   
She didn't reply to it, but moaned into her mouth when he opened the other side of the nursery bra and softly started to tease her nipple till it tightened completely and a milk trop touched Harm's fingers.   
"I always wanted you, Mac, always, every day."   
"But it is not enough anymore Harm," she said and broke the kiss off. "I have too much to take care of now. I will not be able to work for quite some time. I have some money put aside so it won't be a problem but I am not sure if I will be able to go back to work within two years. I don't want the babies to stay with a day-mother or something like that for the first two years. It's your decision what you want to do with Tristan, he is your son, but I decide myself what I will do with the twins."   
"What about their father?" he asked afraid to hear the answer. Was it AJ?   
"He does not know, he will never know and he does not care at all. It was artificial insemination. I wanted a baby Harm, you had your family and I needed my own. I am not sleeping with just everybody," Mac replied, "What did you think? I would not move on with my life? I had to, I was falling apart. I needed my own family, I needed ... I had to leave. I saw too many families to break apart."  
  
Then he realised it. She went away to save his marriage, save his family. And she was jealous, jealous of a family he would have, without her. He didn't know what to say so he stayed silent. Mac was staring at Tristan's head, not saying a word either.   
"What do you want Mac?" he asked after a few minutes.   
"I don't know. I never knew ..."   
"You always know what you want but you never seem to tell anybody. I am the same."   
"No you are not. You always do what you want, you know it. You wanted to go back to flying, you did."   
"Yeah but those things never ... I mean relationships and so on. Seldom, I get what I want working ..."   
"You never had a problem with relationships."   
"What? Mac look at my past, there are tons ..."  
"You have never had problems, like I said."  
"But I only had sex with them, I didn't know a lot about them. They were easy to get. Jordan was the only one who was interested in my past but it didn't work out. I am not good with getting serious. But I never wanted to get serious with anybody but ... but you, Mac."   
Mac only started to laugh. She couldn't hold it anymore.  
"You never wanted me Harm. You had more than once chance but you never made a pass on me."   
"Chances? Me?" Harm put a finger on Mac's cheek to move it towards him, to look into her eyes, "I never had a chance Mac, you never showed any interest in me."  
"I did, I went to you when Brumby broke up with me ... oh, because he was thinking that I was more involved with you then I would ever be with him, because you knew what I want."   
"I told you why Renee was at my place, her dad died a few hours before. I wanted to be with you but I could not throw her out."   
"You know, that night, I seriously wanted a bottle of vodka in my fridge ... there was nothing more I lusted more for. It had always helped before, always."   
"But you were strong, as always," he nearly whispered.  
  
The room was filled with a compassionate silence; the only sound was Tristan's calm suckling. Harm softly caressed his son's head.

* * *

"I have some soup for you," Trish said when she opened the door and found Harm sleeping curled around Mac, his hand resting protectively on her belly and Tristan next to Mac. The pregnant woman was shirtless, only clad in sweats and her bra.  
  
Gram came towards her daughter-in-law and together they studied the happy small family sleeping. Both women were smiling and went back to the kitchen to have some coffee together.  
  
"They look so comfortable together," Trish said and sipped on the coffee.   
"They love each other Trish; it just takes some time to say it."  
"Harm has always been stubborn, like his father. I knew Harmon two years before he said more then 'Hello' and 'Goodbye', another year before we dated the first time but quickly after that we got married, I pregnant with Harm, and Harmon went missing."  
"You had too little time together. That's why I am glad that he cannot go back to active status anymore. She needs him now more than ever," Gram replied.   
"She always needed him but he was too stubborn to act on his feelings, too stubborn to see it." "You are right. Did you also saw the need in her eyes?"   
Both women giggled.   
"Did they ever ...," Trish said between hiccups.   
"Hmm... you want to know things about your son!"   
"Forget it."  
"They did some time ago once, but they try to get around that."   
"Oh...," she blushed, imagining her son kissing Mac ...

* * *

Five days later Mac's doctor came to ask her a few questions and control the babies' vitals.   
"How do you feel?" the doctor asked Mac.   
They were alone in the bedroom.   
"Fine, no pain anymore."  
"Your blood pressure is perfectly low and they are already in a perfect position to be born. You are 35 weeks along today, between now and week 38 most twins are born naturally but if they want to stay 40 weeks in there it is okay too. Their heartbeats are loud, regular and strong and I guess they are quite active. You should start now with some Lamaze classes; I could also get you a DVD to work at home."   
"That would be perfect," Mac replied with a smile.  
"What about nursing Tristan, does it work?"  
"Perfectly, I could nurse him four to five times a day but I keep it three times a day and pump if necessary."   
"Show me your breasts now please," she said and watched Tristan sleeping at the head of Mac's bed. Mac pulled the shirt over her head and unfastened the bra.   
"They might swell a size bigger after birth," she commented and touched the sides slowly to see if she feels something uncommon, but everything was fine, perfectly fine.   
"What do you wear at the moment?"   
"Good question, I guess this one here is a FF cup but I am not sure, they are all cut differently. I don't like those but the lace irritates my nipples. Usually I really like underwired ones but this is without, but I only put it on some time ago because of the supporting straps."   
"I know what you are talking about; I have three girls and a boy on my own – all under the age of five."  
The reply did not shock Mac; she had seen the pictures on the walls in her office. Four blond children with blue eyes and a light skin.   
"Your weight is okay, a few pounds more then average but you are tall. I want to do an ultrasound middle of next week to know their weight and size, but I can tell you already that they will be tall and I guess have a good weight."   
"You can tell that by looking at me?"  
"And by knowing you. You look great and you are not a cranky person; never been. Your belly looks tight and I can see their hands and legs when they move and kick around."

* * *

When the Doc left Harm moved to her room, left his wheel chair at the door and made the few steps towards her bed alone. Mac had to smile at seeing his progress.   
"How are your legs doing?" Mac asked and tried to hide her chest under a shirt again.   
"You don't have to hide it; I have already had a close look at it." She smiled, "And I like the new size of the girls."   
"Girls?"   
"Your breasts, especially when Tristan is suckling. It is a picture I never imagined," Harm took a deep breath and put one hand over hers, "you said that you needed more and I am willing to give you everything you want. I mean a family; I mean your kids could have a father if you want. I want you in Tristan's life and I want you in mine. I want us to be together, I always wanted us to be a couple. You have no clue how often I was sitting in my office imagining how it would be to press you against the wall in your office and ravish you. It was not always about how it would feel to be inside you, mostly I wanted to bring you to orgasm with my mouth, I dreamed of it – believe me Mac. And I dreamed of waking up next to you, after a night we spent together cuddling. I like sex, of course, I am a guy but it is not the most important thing for me, not my own pleasure. I always thought of you as my soul mate Mac because sometimes I felt like you were the only person who understood me," he started to stare at their hands. "I want to tell you that I am sorry for what I said to you before I went back to active status. I don't know what was going on inside me. I don't know what happened with me after you left, there was a part inside me who didn't want life anymore, a part that died the moment you left. But don't think that I want to fool anybody but myself for what happened. I have to thank you that you came back for the funeral, that you stayed after it and took care of Tristan. He accepted you as his mother, he never knew another one. You were the first and I want you to be the only one. Forever."   
Mac suddenly lifted her head and they stared at each other.   
"I want you to marry me."   
No word was said, the only sound was the regular breathing of both.   
"I cannot."   
Slowly Harm stood up and went towards the window, partly shocked by Mac's answer.   
"Okay, just forget it though; forget that I ever asked you."   
"Harm, you don't understand." She said and got out of bed to stand behind him, her belly pressed against his back, "Renee just died Harm, it isn't correct. What would people think? I cannot marry you because it would just not be right."   
"We do not have to tell anybody."   
"No Harm, it isn't right. You have to give yourself time to mourn."   
"You want me to mourn over Renee's death? I did it, I mourned. You do not know what happened when you were away, and I do not want to speak with you about it. I want to forget it. Things I never want to have to think about again happened. Never ever."   
"But if things bother you Harm you maybe should tell somebody."  
"I will not tell you."  
"It was about me?"   
"Many things were about you and what you did, do and have done; what you think, thought or would think ..."   
"But I never wanted that to happen, I thought that when I left..."   
"You can never know how other people will react. I was down, I didn't want to speak to anybody. The wedding day was set and we got married. I hoped that you would come. I hoped that you would email me back but you never did."   
"I could not Harm, it was the best for both sides. I wanted you to have the family you decided to have. It was your decision to go this way, back to her."   
"I know. We only slept twice without protection, only twice and so it happened. I had to marry her, I always told myself that if there was a baby I would settle down, even give up my active status, I mean the possibility to go back. But things developed differently. I thought things would change when we were married but they didn't."   
"Things?" Mac asked and they changed places, she was now standing in front of him, studying the falling snow while his hands rested on her belly.  
"Yes, Renee was jealous, more than jealous of you and she stopped taking care of herself, her body and the unborn baby."   
"What do you mean?" Mac asked and leaned into his stronger body but not completely; not to put all her weight on his still weak legs.   
"She started to gain too much weight, her blood pressure was too high and she got aggressive and loud very quickly."   
Mac stayed calm.   
"I told her to stop a few things and she only yelled at me, the result was that I slept in another bed, in another room and tried not to cross her way ... up to the day when things happened."

* * *

End part 5  
More?   
Ms.Parkergmx.at 


	6. Part 6

_This chapter contains an explicite love scene - be aware. If you are unerage or just dont want to read it, please dont._

AM : sorry that it took me more than a month, but it was me and my stupid writer block and the fact that my boyfriend wanted to spend some time with me because he had 2 weeks holiday. Okay let's forget the babbling and go on ….

A big thanks again to Mel for her wonderful, amazing (the best of all) beta. I wouldn't know what to do without you, Mel!

* * *

**I surrender … I survive **

**Part 6**

****

In the morning Mac made her way downstairs to get some tea and take care of Tristan. He was asleep again and she just studied his features. Typical Rabb family, she told herself.

Harm was slowly beginning to walk, slow short steps, nothing quickly yet – or for a very long time – but he was working out and trying his best to help Mac everywhere. He wanted to be there for her. He knew that she needed him even if she wouldn't tell him. She had always been strong, always on her own, always alone; seldom was somebody there who took care of her, except for her uncle. Normally all important situations had to be handled by her, always. It made him sad to think back to the moment she and Mic broke up and he couldn't help her because Renee was there.

"Can I help you?" he asked when she was leaning against the desk.

"Oh no you cannot except you can smooth those two down. Slowly - it is really killing me."

"Do you have your tea?" he asked and she nodded. "Let's sit down on the sofa."

He sat behind her; she was leaning her full body against his chest since she was between his legs. His hands started to roam her belly, slow circles on the bare skin.

Harm felt Mac start to breathe deeply. "This feels wonderful Harm; can you do that all day?" Both giggled softly and Harm placed a kiss on Mac's neck. It started so innocently with just a soft kiss, a soft touch of his so soft lips on her sensitive neck.

Slowly his hands started to caress the underside of her breasts which were heavy resting on her belly. "I love your belly, without a stretch mark. It is perfect. And I can feel them turn around in there with having my hands on it. It is amazing. I never experienced something like that." To her those words were a slight shock for Mac but she had thought of it before, after reading some very cryptic diary entries of Renee.

She wanted him, felt the lust rising in her body but she also told herself that she could not do it, simply could not. It would not be right. But god, her body wanted him. A simple touch from his hand on her belly made her get wet between the legs, her heavy breasts tighten. But she was not able to let go, was not able to completely relax into his touch or to really let him touch her.

She wanted to get up quickly before she couldn't hold herself back anymore but it was not that easy.

"I have to go to the toilet Harm, please let me go." She tried not to look into his eyes but got up and headed to the toilet upstairs. After washing her hands she slowly walked into Tristan's room to look after him and take him downstairs. He was such a copy of Harm. Incredible. No element of Renee in him. Nothing.

She took him out of the bed and sat down, opened her nightdress and let him nurse. And there it came … If she could let herself go, if she would be able to let go she would be able to teach him what pleasure means to her. If she could, she would let him touch her everywhere, kiss her, tickle her, taste her. But if she could, things would be different from today. If …

She couldn't.

She would give him the chance to touch her, if she could. She would give him the chance to be the centre of her world, if she could.

But her past had taught her not to trust everyone who had a need to touch you, who wanted to go to bed with you. It always reminded her of the situation between her mom and her father.

The alcohol had separated them first, before he started to sleep with other women and was not able to remember all the details in the morning again. She knew that her mom would have never told her about it. She started to feel inadequate. She left because he hit her badly. She did not just lose a mother when she left, but also the only human being she could talk to in her early teenager years. She started to do several stupid things – alcohol was just one of them. Nobody knew about those days, and nights.

She had felt the urge to tell Harm years ago, just to tell anybody about it. She wanted to talk about it but the time never felt right. The moment she had put all the details together and felt strong enough to see his face getting sad after he heard it, in exactly those moments he had a new girlfriend and she couldn't do it when there was somebody new around. She wanted him to take care of her then.

She had always had the feeling that she needed to hold all the strings together, not to break apart and it worked for years. She knew that Harm had not been the only one who made her start drinking again, because he gave her the feeling of being there for her.

Mac still had not been able to tell her the small details of why she broke up with Mic Brumby or slept a couple of times with Webb when she was new at JAG. She wanted to tell him about her past but it would ruin the picture he had of her.

She wanted to tell him a lot of things, things she wanted to tell him for quite some time and details of events she never wanted to talk about again.

* * *

"Mac," he looked up at her, "do you have a minute for me?"

"Sure, come in," she replied and both were sitting in the kitchen sipping tea within ten minutes.

"There are a few things we need to talk about."

"Harm I thought that we had already …"

"No, not about you and me and wedlock, I want you to stay home with the kids for as long as you want to because I can easily afford it and children need a mother."

"And a father Harm, remember that please."

"Yes," he said with a deep sigh.

"You know Harm that there are a few things I always wanted to tell you, but even being best friends stopped me."

"What things?"

"Well a few details. You asked me if I would like to marry you but before you ask me ever again, you should know those details, those …"

"Okay, okay I get it. We can ask Harriet to look after Tristan tonight and go out. What about Francesco's?"

She was just smiling and nodding in response.

* * *

"I do not fit into that dress," Mac moaned and tried to button it in the back.

"Well that's true my dear," Harm replied from the door holding a dress-bag in his hand, "that's the reason why I got you something."

Mac turned around and stared at him. Harm was a handsome guy; it was not the first time she noticed. He was standing there in a dark blue suit, white dress shirt and a fitting tie. His right hand was on the wall, in the left the bag.

Slowly he was walking towards her and handing her the bag.

She unzipped it and pulled the emerald dress out.

"God, Harm! You didn't have to," she stuttered, "When did you …?"

"A couple of days ago, I fell in love with the dress and couldn't resist."

While she was still staring at the dress he started to unbutton the small buttons in the back of her dress, slowly let his hands glide over her shoulders as he helped her out. Now she was standing in front of him in just white panties and a white lace bra with underwires which were pushing her breasts up and a little together.

"You know how wonderful you look?"

"Stop the compliments Harm you know how senseless it is. I am pregnant, shortly before giving birth and there is nothing on me which …"

He turned her around so both of them were standing in front of the mirror. Harm's hands were resting on her shoulders.

"Just look at you," he said softly and kissed her neck. "Those eyes are showing how much in love with those kids you already are. You are wearing your hair longer now and your eyes seem bigger with it. Your shoulders are still strong and powerful, your breasts … look at them," he said and let his hands wander from her shoulders softly over the strings of the bra to the full cups where he just let the tips of his fingers wander over the underside of them. He felt her breath quicken. "They are just waiting to nurse some hungry mouths." Her nipples had been hard for the last few weeks since she started nursing Tristan. "And your skin is so soft Mac, so soft." When his fingers touched her breasts again, Mac couldn't stop the moan anymore which was rising in her throat. "And then this belly," he further said and let his hands travel over the expanding flesh, "you are carrying life in it, two babies, two miracles." Harm's hands were resting on the swell near the popped belly button and making lazy circles on it. "Look on this belly, there is no stretch mark ..."

"Well there is one, Harm," Mac stopped him and pulled her panties a little down, nearly showing him her intimate area.

"But only one and this is so small." And it was really small, just an inch long situated directly on the underside of her belly.

Harm kneeled down in front of her to expect it and started to kiss her belly. Mac flinched, she was not used to any of those intimate gestures – not just by him but by mostly every man who ever crossed her life.

"I could sit here forever Mac and study your amazing body but we've a table for 8."

"I will be finished in a minute."

He watched her step out of the dress and get the "new" one on. It was a long dress, the hem nearly dancing on the floor. The material was a little stretch to give her some room, the décolleté giving away a nice look on her newly gained breasts and the back nearly bare.

"I cannot wear it Harm."

"Why?"

She turned around and he noticed the bra in the back, slowly made his way towards her again and opened it, pushed the straps of the dress from her shoulders, then the bra straps from her arms and pushed the bra away from her body and onto the bed. He wanted to hold and kiss her breasts but he knew that if he started now, they would never be able to make it to the restaurant.

Mac noticed the looks she got when entering the restaurant. She felt unsure but also sexy in this dress, a feeling which had been buried deep inside her for years.

Harm had his hand on her hip guiding her to their table.

They ordered pasta and seafood, drank non-alcoholic champagne and enjoyed them with light talk about this and that, JAG and so on.

They didn't notice that midnight had been over an hour ago and that they were the last guests at two in the morning at the restaurant. They laughed and touched softly, whispered and joked – like the days before everything happened.

They entered their house at nearly three in the morning to find Harriet and Bud asleep in the guestroom, Tristan in his bed, little AJ also already deeply asleep.

Without making any noise they both walked upstairs to the master bedrooms. "Do you want to come in for a moment?" Mac asked softly.

Harm only nodded in response, nervous about what would happen, probably, next.

Harm built a fire while Mac sat down in the loveseat.

"You know that you mean a lot to me, don't you?"

He wasn't able to answer in words, just nodded.

"You mean really a lot to me and I didn't mean to hurt you when I told you that we cannot get married yet."

"I know," he mumbled without turning around.

"But you were so different before we … you left. You weren't the Harm I know, the one I fell in love with. You were so cold, distanced, not … I don't know. I am afraid that 'this' Harm will return," she said and rested her hands on her proud belly.

"Did they tell you that I was … You do not know a lot of things which happened between Renee and me." He was still working at the fire place. "You won't understand those things because they never happened to you, never said to you but it wasn't funny believe me."

"I never guessed that something wasn't right, your emails never sounded happy."

"I wasn't. I lost you; the price I paid was high."

"But you got a son."

"And she knew that she would never survive pregnancy."

"You knew it?"

"Yes of course, do you think I am that stupid? I talked to her ob/gyn once after she felt some pain in the stomach area and he told me about it."

"But I thought you didn't know."

"I knew and that was exactly the point. She had planned it, she knew about her health problems but nevertheless she did it. I mean how can you risk your own life only to get the man who you otherwise couldn't have?"

"What do you mean?"

Harm took a deep breath. "I would never have married her but she was pregnant and it was my child and a child needs a father …" Mac swallowed. She was single. She was pregnant. What would he think of her? "… she knew that it was the only way but I only realised that on her death bed. She had planned all that to separate us because we were coming to something now. I was so angry but this one night she was in my apartment to pick some things up, we had a glass of wine and another and ended in bed. This night it happened, she got pregnant. Maybe she planned on getting me to sleep with her, I never bothered asking and it is too late now anyway, but I was angry. I guess that is also the reason, or part of it, why I really needed a lot of time to accept Tristan."

"But you hurt a lot of people with your actions."

"I know Mac and I am really sorry about it but I cannot change things now and I do not want to. It happened. I married her. I fucked her, a couple of times. It didn't excite me. Not knowing that when I close my eyes I would see you being under me, above me, next to me."

"Harm …"

"No Mac it is true. The day I realised that you left was the day my world ended. I did a lot of stupid things after it but, nevertheless, you left to move on. Today I try to understand that action even if I …"

"Harm …"

"You had to move on. She trapped me," he nearly sobbed. "I feel that she knew that as soon as she'd be pregnant I would not be able to leave her anymore."

"I know," Mac replied with a comforting voice, "I know."

Some time while talking they moved from the loveseat to Mac's bed, sat down there and fell asleep. His form was pressed tightly against hers; one arm of his was caringly resting on the swell of her belly.

In the morning Harriet wanted to bring Tristan to Mac to nurse him and found them soundly asleep, cuddled together. She was still wearing the dress and Harm was still in his dress trousers and shirt. They looked so peacefully, she noticed.

Mac was in the shower. She had woken up alone but remembered that she had fallen asleep with Harm in her bed. She smiled remembering his hand, the soft circles it made.

Slowly she started to crème her body, slowly moving her hands over the tips of her breasts. They were heavier than before. Softly she closed her eyes while her fingers softly made circles along the nearly black areolas.

She sat down at the chair next to the sink, letting her butt rest on the very edge of it. She felt how her nipples tightened under her fingertips. Her hands wandered towards her belly, more crème was applied.

Mac moved her hands over her belly and between her thighs, softly touching herself for the first time in ages. She had always loved Harm in her own way but at the moment, the picture of him in her mind made her want him very badly.

She touched herself. Her eyes were closed. Her mouth slightly opened. She imagined his hands between her legs, his soft but hot breath on her engorged bundle of nerves. Mac imagined how it would feel if his long gracious fingers would find their way inside her. She was sure he would find the right place to touch her, make her come.

It had been so long since she had felt this need for a man in her life, sexually. Should she tell him about Mic and how this one time thing with Webb was?

Slowly the pleasure was building inside her. Things weren't easy. Her hands not long enough to do it the normal way. She slowly got up, leaned with one hand against the sink and let her other hand glide over her tight butt towards her wet and ready centre to finish what she had started.

It was easier this way; the belly wasn't in the way.

Just a few strokes, a few light touches.

She pressed her eyes together.

Bite on her lip hard.

And came, without making any sound.

Harm was standing in the kitchen talking to Harriet, having little Tristan on his hip, carefully not to hurt his baby.

He felt that the got more attached to him since he was back to walking. Something had changed inside him, something major. He felt himself move more and more near Mac. He wanted to be with her every hour of the day, hold her, touch her, caress her but things were complicated between them. She was a little closed off and he couldn't blame her for it – his behaviour had been far from good.

Harriet left a few minutes later and they were alone again. Mac was still not down. Harm thought about heading upstairs to look for her but then he remembered that it had been exactly the point Renee never liked on him – he was caring too much, always wanting to be sure … when he was in love.  
Was he in love with Mac? Yes, he had told himself day after day during the last few weeks. He had been in love with her from the day they met. He loved her eyes, her hair, her slightly olive skin, her lips, soft touches and long fingers and of course all the other womanly attributes she was carrying around. In the white dress at the embassy he wanted to ravish her, but he was not able to put his emotions into words and then this horrible night at the ferry in Sydney harbour. He had done a huge mistake this night with his answer and a few hours later she was engaged. She just wanted to be sure about how he felt and she did what was right.

Slowly he realised that it had always been him, standing between them, his egoism.

"Mac," he asked when she came downstairs, "can we talk?"

"What about?"

"Just sit down with me for a few minutes, okay?" Mac nodded and did so; slowly letting herself glide into the sofa. Her belly was the most prominent feature on her at the moment, next to her full chest which his eyes were gliding over –the shirt she was wearing was tight on her and outlining every ounce of her milk swollen chest, the nursing bra, her belly and the popped belly button.

"How far along are you now?"

Mac was silent for a moment. "37 weeks."

"And am I right if I say that this is long for twins? I mean normally they give birth to twins at around 34 weeks."

"Yes you are right." He noticed that she was uncomfortable.

"Mac, it is not that I want to push … not that's not the right way to say it. Do you want to marry me? Be my wife, raise our kids together?"

"Our kids?"

"Yes Mac. You are Tristan's mom, he doesn't know the difference. And I want your kids to have a father. You never told me about …"

"I told you – I went to a sperm bank, searched the catalogue, found Mr. Perfect and decided it's time to have a baby."

"Don't say it that way. I am sure it wasn't that easy."

Mac looked down at her belly. "No, it wasn't."

"Okay, so what do you say?"

"About what?"

"Mac," he said with a smiling deep voice, "Do you want me to get down to my knees so you answer me if you want to become my wife?"

"I could think about it," she replied with a smile dancing on her lips.

"What?"

"You in front of me on your knees but I would have the problem that I wouldn't see you so … "  
"Mac, I am serious."

She nodded and closed her eyes, her hands roaming her belly. Slowly Harm knelt down in front of her, letting his hands rest on her belly too and slowly moving the shirt up to kiss her belly.

Mac was surprised when she felt his lips on her belly. Her belly was big but she told herself that it was normal with twins. And it was normal. She was a tall woman and the belly fit her, she looked healthy.

His hands were so soft and his lips on her thin skin made her tingle all over. When was the last time she had felt like that? It seems like it was an eternity away. He helped her out of the shirt and then threw it backwards. She was sitting in front of him in dark maternity trousers which were pulled under her belly because they were slightly tight, she had told him the day before; and a dark red laced nursing bra with white pads over her nipples.

"You are so beautiful," he said while he kissed her belly again. Mac's eyes were closed. "Sarah, I want to make love to you so badly," he said calmly with a deep lusty voice while he helped her out of the trousers. Mac had lost the control over her body. It was doing what he wanted; she couldn't make her own decisions anymore.

"Not here Harm, we cannot here."

"Are you sure we can? I mean, if we cannot I can wait."

"I want it too Harm, god I wanted it for so long."

He slowly helped her up and they slowly went to the guestroom. Meanwhile Mac quickly went to the toilet, Harm put Tristan in his bed and took the baby phone with him to Mac's room, positioning it on the nightstand.

Mac went into the room before Harm had closed the window. The room was cold, not freezing but chilly. Mac was standing there at the bed, staring at the comforter in just panties and her bra. Harm knew that she was larger then Renee was but Renee gained quite a lot of fat all around – her legs, butt and belly. She didn't care a lot about her health. She ate whatever she lusted for. Mac was different. Mac tried to control her cravings, tried to.

"I don't know how to start it, it's an odd situation," she mumbled and watched him getting rid of the comforter.

"I love you Sarah, I hope you know that."

She nodded in response, not looking at him. She was nervous. Cute – he thought.

"Sit down here Mac," he said and patted on the place in front of him, and then he got a bottle of body lotion from her nightstand.

Mac was unsure what would happen next. Suddenly she felt his hands on her back, opening her bra carefully and slowly. Her breasts were heavy – had he noticed?

He had, she told herself, when he let the bra straps glide slowly over her shoulders, while he was sitting behind her.

The next step was to bring her in the middle of the bed, where he wanted her. It didn't need a lot of words to convince her. He just moved and pulled her softly with him, and she helped.

Harm was sitting in the middle and in the V of his legs was Mac, her back resting against his muscular chest. He had put some lotion on his hands and started to let it glide over her body and Mac started to relax.

Her shower wasn't that long ago but she felt aroused again. What was it with this man? His hands were gliding over her breasts, carefully not rough, not like the one night they had spent together. When he reached the tips of her breasts, her nipples were already hard and pulled together tightly. Mac's eyes were closed and her full weight was resting against him now, while she let him softly torture her aroused body which desired his touches in other places.

Softly the forefinger and the thumb of his right hand closed over her right nipple while the left pushed the breast a little up and was resting between her belly and her breasts. She moaned, not softly, but loud. Gently he pulled at it and did the same with the other nipple, and then both together and Mac got louder.

He hadn't imagined her as a screamer. He couldn't really remember details of the last time. The one time he wanted to erase from his memory, from his, their past. But she was a screamer, he thought.

Mac loved his hands on her. He wasn't rough, he was gently but demanding. He wanted to make her feel good, to arouse her, to make her ready. To ease away the nervousness? Probably he noticed.

But he made her so horny and she already felt the wetness between her legs. She was not sure, still fighting with herself, if it was right. The last time he tried to come near her she had told him that Renee wasn't dead long enough and that he should be mourning but the last days, the last weeks, had been horrible for her libido. It was a dancing around each other and finally, after the dinner when they had shared a bed because they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, she had hoped that the barrier was broken, but it wasn't.

His hands were leaving her breasts now running down her belly, to the underside of her belly where her slip rested. She couldn't believe how tender her skin got there and how sensitive. The tips of his finger made her wiggle under it, and moan.

Soft hair tickled his fingers when he pressed them under the elastic of her panties. He felt her wetness, smelled it.

Harm slowly eased away from behind her, let her rest against the propped up pillows. Mac's chocolate brown eyes watched him moving between her spread legs. She studied his face while he slowly pushed her slip down. He wet his lips then. She was completely bare in front of him while he was still in shorts and a t-shirt.

"I want to see your chest Harm, please …"

He didn't need more, climbed off the bed and got rid of the shorts and the t-shirt within seconds. Naked, he climbed back to her, already sporting a heavy and thick erection. Mac remembered the pain of last time, but didn't care.

"Should we use protection?" Harm asked carefully.

"Did you use protection the last time? No you didn't," she replied dryly. The mood was sinking.

"But ejaculation inside you can … I mean it could cause labour."

"I don't care; I am pregnant enough for now. I like it but I want my body back too."

"Which position?" he asked while he started to trail wet kisses from the top of her belly down to the inside of her thighs.

Did he hear a small scream when he sucked her clit in for the first time? Yes. She let a small scream escape her throat.

The sensation he was causing her were unbearable. She was writhing under his lips. He pulled her slowly off the pillows, more towards the edge of the bed and stood next to it then, adjusted some pillows behind her head again, so he could study her face carefully.

Mac had noticed that his erection had even gotten bigger. She couldn't tell the exact size but it was huge, the head touching the skin above his belly button. The tip of her tongue was touching the corner of her mouth. She studied him positioning him in front of her, her legs over his shoulders.

"Tell me if I hurt you Sarah. I don't want to cause any pain."

Mac was only able to nod. One of his fingers was trailing down her womanhood, opening him for her. He made a step towards her.

He started directly into her eyes. "How long has it been before …."

"Before we shared a bed the first time," she replied in a deep, aroused voice, "this was nearly 5 years."

He only stared at her, eyes getting big.

"Tell me."

"Harm isn't that the wrong situation? I want you inside me. God, I am already begging."

"Please …"

"Okay, in short words. You think Mic? Wrong, he wanted to save vaginal sex for the wedding night. He liked anal sex best and honestly said with his dick it was bearable, not comfortable but okay. Webb? Once, orally. There hasn't been more I had any sexual contact with. Even if you don't believe me."

"Why did Mic not …"

"I don't know Harm, but please could we talk later … there are other things …," she hinted with a smile.

He got it. He realised that this wasn't what he had planned, to talk about her former lovers while foreplay.

Mac felt the head of his cock pressing her nether lips apart, slowly pressing himself into her. It was pain she felt but not as bad as she remembered.

"God you are so good, you feel so good Mac."

She moaned in response trying to push more from him into her. Her walls were trembling around him, adjusting to his remarkable size.

"Please Harm, more." And so he did.

He pushed and pressed himself further into her, not as quickly as the first time, slowly, taking all the time she would probably need. He knew that he was above average, just from buying pants and jeans.

When he was completely inside her, he knew he was pressing against her cervix. He gave her time, didn't move.

"Move now Harm," Mac said after a minute and a half. And slowly he started to move inside her. It didn't take him long to set up a comfortable rhythm. She moaned under him, her hands holding her breasts.

After a few minutes, Harm said, "Mac, it's not working this way. Let's get up on all fours. It's easier for both of us."

Mac hadn't anything to counter. She got up and he positioned himself behind her. His hands were firstly all over her back, then her buttocks and slowly gliding down her thighs. He helped himself inside her again and together they started to rock. One of Harm's hands had found its way between Mac's legs, touching her where she was most sensitive.

He had wanted to see her come and not just feel her, but hear her too.

This position was much more comfortable for Mac's back and the babies seemed less active. He felt fantastic inside her now. The pain was gone, the rhythm was set and her breathing got more and more elaborate. She felt this tingling inside her belly since he started to finger her clit.

"Yes Harm, that's it, harder …"

And so he did. He pumped into her, not as rough as he may have wanted, carefully thinking of the lives growing inside her, bust still forcefully showing her what he wanted. And she reacted, pleased. She moaned his name a final couple of times before she cried out loud and with her he came, because her internal muscle spasms pulled him over the edge with her and milked every last drop out of him.

Tired and sweaty they fell onto the covers and snuggled together. Harm slowly pulled a sheet over them so Mac wouldn't be cold.

"This was amazing Sarah. God, how can I tell you, how much I love you?"

"You just did."

"No, really. I cannot think of anything else if you are in the room Mac. How do you think you won one or the other process at the court? I already knew your body – premenstrual cramps; I could see those in your eyes and the way you tried to comfort yourself then. I could tell the day of ovulation, I am not stupid you know. I notice things. I notice the glow in your eyes. I noticed how things changed before Renee came back, but something had gotten into myself, like a drug, and changed everything." His hands were resting on her belly. "I wanted those to be mine," he added sadly.

"Those can be yours Harm."

"No, really mine, biologically and everything."

"Their father must nearly look like you."

"What do you say?"

Mac put her smaller hand over Harm's large one and together they comforted the twins. "When I looked through the files for potentional daddies I wanted a large, dark haired man, high educational level, sporty and …" She suddenly stopped and took a deep breath. "That was a kick. Calm down girl, please, mom needs some sleep."

It was just around lunch time but exhausted they fell asleep and Tristan didn't interrupt.

* * *

Want more?

ms.parker (at) gmx.at


	7. Part 7

_This part is for Marie!  
AM: why this has taken time again? Well I have been on a holiday break and nevertheless I have decided to leave one or the other yahoo group of personal reasons and was in no mood to write after it.  
A big thanks again to Mel for her wonderful, amazing (the best of all) beta. I wouldn't know what to do without you, Mel! (Aww, Eve ::hugs::)_

**I surrender ... I survive **

**Part 7**

**  
  
**Tristan was crying and didn't want to stop. Harm had reached a point where he didn't know what to do anymore. He had given him a bottle, changed his diapers, tried to find out if he had a colic or anything else.

It had been a week since he had slept with Mac. Thinking back to that night made him smile and love his small family even more. They hadn't had sex again but he and Mac were sleeping in the same bed now. She didn't seem to be in the mood, she felt a little crampy, overly tired and her back was killing her.  
He hadn't told her but he imagined that they had dropped. She was 38 weeks along. Mac was able to carry them for quite a long time. He had read magazines and books on twin pregnancy, he knew that normally they would be earlier because of the fact that the womb was too small to grow and nourishment wouldn't be enough. But Mac was a tall woman and her belly seemed huge to him. Her doctor also told her that she was huge, not fat, but huge. Harm loved those new proportions on her.

Had he always been a breast man? Probably yes, but now he could only stare at them when she was standing in her bra in front of him or the mirror. Her tattoo, the way it rose up her breast, around her nipple, made it look even more gracious.

* * *

"Do you want something to drink?" Harm opened the bathroom door. Mac had her hands on the sink, was still nude and taking deep breaths, her chin touching her breast bone. "What is it, Mac?"  
She didn't reply.  
"Mac?" He could feel the vibration in her voice already. He came towards her, putting Tristan in the MaxiCosi in the bedroom.  
"I don't know," she nearly cried.  
Harm went behind her. Tristan started to cry again, screaming from his powerful young lungs.

Mac looked towards him. "Bring him over," she mumbled between deep breaths. Harm went to Tristan, picked him up and brought him over. Harm went behind Mac and positioned Tristan directly to her left nipple. He noticed that her breasts seemed awfully full and the moment Tristan smelled her, he stopped crying and latched on.  
"What is it?" Harm asked Mac again while he held Tristan to her breast.  
"I just don't know," she took a deep breath; "everything seems to be working against me. My back, my legs, my pelvis ..."  
"Mac, didn't you realise? You are in labour."  
  
Mac just stared at Harm in disbelief.  
"Did you lose some fluid ... I mean did your water break?"  
"I don't know. I mean there was some clear fluid, like a stain on the sheets in the morning, but I didn't ..."  
"You come with me to the bedroom." He took a bag out of the wardrobe and put some things into it, a nightdress, robe, toiletries and other things Mac would need.

Mac had calmed down a little and so did Tristan. He suckled happily with one hand resting just above Mac's heart.

"What do you want to wear?"  
Mac told him that she thought about sweats and a sweater. He talked her out of wearing a bra.

* * *

"Gosh, that hurts."  
"Mr MacKenzie, do you want to stay in the room with your wife, or ..."  
"He isn't my husband," she said between contractions, "he's just a friend."  
Those words hurt Harm, as if she had stabbed his heart with a knife.  
"Do you want him to stay Ms MacKenzie?"  
"I don't care ... please ... make that pain ... gosh ... nobody told me that it would be .... ahh ... that bad ..."  
"You are about 7 centimetres dilated, just a few more. Don't push yet."

* * *

Harm was standing beside Mac, holding her hand.  
"Harm, can you make the pain go away?"  
"No," he said coldly.  
Mac looked at him but before she could finish studying his face the next contraction hit her.  
"You can press now," the doctor said.After a few minutes of pressing, moaning, crying out and screaming Mac had given birth to a baby girl, a few minutes later another baby girl was born. Both healthy, big for being twins and Mac was so tired that she fell asleep after they had laid both babies on her chest after cleaning them and taking measurements.  
Harm had left the room without another word. 

"Do you want to call somebody?" the nurse asked Harm. He just scribbled the phone number of his grandma and the one of the Admiral onto a sheet of paper and asked the nurse to call them; informing her that he'd need some minutes of fresh air.

He was just a friend after all, nothing more, nothing less. A friend. He had thought that things had changed after this time they have had sex, the time he had told her that he loves her.  
But now, that she had everything in her live she ever dreamt of, she didn't need him anymore. It was clear to him. He was just a friend.  
It was time to leave.

* * *

"So how are my lovely babies doing?" Grams asked when she entered the room, finding a still sleeping Mac and two cribs with the twins in it, Tristan in his carrier next to them.

She looked over them, studying their features. The girls had Mac's slightly olive skin but their eyes were blue, like Tristan's.  
The girls looked like Harm had looked when he was that age, absolutely.

* * *

"How are you doing?" Grams asked when Mac woke up.  
"Where is Harm?" she asked in return, looking around irritated.  
"I haven't seen him my dear, so tell me, how are you doing?"  
"God, I still cannot believe it that ... that I am a mother now."  
"You've been a mother to Tristan before."  
"Yes, is he awake?"  
Grams nodded and handed Tristan to Mac who started nursing.

Mac was irritated that Harm wasn't around but left Tristan with her. It looked like he had left him here and went out. But how long had she slept? Been out? An hour or two? Maybe longer.  
"Do you want me to look ...?"  
"No, he'll come back. He'll probably be just out at the park or getting something."  
Tristan had already fallen asleep again.  
"So have you decided over names yet?"  
"God knows I have." Grams got one of the babies out, she has slight dark curls. "This one will be named Catherine Sophie and my other baby will be named Paula Elizabeth."  
"Good decisions," Grams replied with a smile.

* * *

Mac started to wonder where Harm was. It was nearly 12 hours now and she was getting nervous. The Admiral had been here, Harriet and Bud, Harm's mum and several others from the JAG stuff but Harm was nowhere in sight.

After nursing them all, the doctor told her that she could leave the hospital the next day after a last check up on the kids. But they were doing fine.  
Every time the door was opened, Mac hoped that it was Harm coming in. She had never asked for flowers, for a present or anything – she only wanted him to be here.

* * *

When the sun started to rise the next morning Mac was already awake nursing her babies. She didn't make a difference between the girls and Tristan; she loved them all as their own.

* * *

A week went by and no word of Harm. Mac was near a complete break down. She needed him, not a helping hand with the baby, but a shoulder to lean on, somebody to talk to, somebody to hold her, somebody to kiss.

She tried to remember every word she had spoken to him during the day of birth but she couldn't remember a syllable that could have been wrong. Not a single one. Mac had even set Harm's name into the birth certificate of the girls because she thought it would be right, thought that's what he wanted.

But where was he? He had once said that he wanted to be with the babies from day one so he could see what he had missed with Tristan.

* * *

Grams had decided to stay with Mac for the first few weeks to help her a little here and there. She noticed that her "granddaughter in law" was getting tired quickly but also that a slight depression was starting.  
She had already contacted her own physician to ask what she was able to do but all attempts to get Mac talking to her failed. The last time they had been so easy around each other, this time the tension was hanging heavily into their relationship.

Mac nursed all three full and started to work out next to it. She longed for her old body. She could live with the bigger, heaver breasts but she told herself that she needed to get her body back to be attractive for Harm again, when he came back. If he came back.

One month passed, the twins were growing, Tristan was growing and Mac was training harder and harder. She worked out about three hours a day, dieted and didn't respond to any of Grams' points on eating regularly healthy food because she needed more calories while nursing. Mac didn't listen.  
  
No word from Harm within that time.

* * *

Time passed quickly, and before Mac knew it, the twins were half a year old. They were tall for their age with blue eyes and dark hair, and Mac's olive skin. Paula was dressed in a cute Marine baby uniform and Cat in a Navy one, like Tristan. Together the three were in the playpen.

Mac, wearing her old jeans and one of Harm's shirts knotted together around her slim waist with a white top under it, was leaning towards them kissing them on their soft baby cheeks. She tried hard not to think about Harm every spare minute. She had told herself that he was gone for good this time and would not come back. Within a couple of days after their birth she had realised that things had changed. She had no clue why though. Nobody could tell her, nobody knew.

After kissing her three angels, she went to the kitchen to finish cooking for the whole JAG staff. It was not just the half year anniversary of the twins but next Monday would also be her first day back at work. She had decided to invite them all to party a little bit and have people around.  
Grams went home after almost three months. Trish was around for a couple of weeks and Harriet stopped by every day or another, so was AJ and all the others. But Mac didn't feel comfortable around them. She blamed herself, somehow, that JAG had one lawyer less now; blamed herself that Harm left without a reason.

* * *

Harriet, Budd and AJ Jr. were the first ones, and then the rest arrived. Everybody hugged the babies and played with them a little bit, changed diapers and all those small things Mac normally enjoyed all day long.

"You lost weight," Harriet commented.  
"Yes you've noticed," Mac replied with a smile on her lips, "I went back to training and my usual runs. It's fun to run with the big stroller ... just not downhill," Mac finished with a slight chuckle.

Everybody noticed Mac's trained body, not one man could take his eyes off her full, high riding breasts which were held together by a white nursing bra and her slim waist, the tight buttocks and thighs. She looked like a Miss Universe, a Miss America or something like that. It would be a lie if somebody would say that the men in the room weren't checking her out, plus that Mac didn't show any interest in any of them.

She was friendly and cooked for everybody, made some small talk and smiled a lot but it was most of the time not a happy smile – even if she tried hard to – it was a sad smile, seeing so many happy couples. Knowing that Harm wasn't around. Knowing that she wanted him next to her, loving her, holding her, planning the future of them.

* * *

"Mac," Harriet asked into the room, "Where are you?"  
Harriet had noticed, like most of the group, that suddenly Mac had left the room without saying anything.  
Mac didn't reply but Harriet noticed her sitting in the shadow of a small table lamp nursing one of her daughters.  
"Mac," she said softly again and went towards her. She saw tears on the dark haired woman's face. She was sitting there with a small blanket around her shoulders in jeans and bra, one side of the nursing bra open and the baby was sucking hungrily.  
"What is it?"  
Mac didn't reply, she only touched Paula's head. More tears streamed down her cheeks.  
"I cannot tell you," she suddenly said under her breath, "I just cannot tell you."  
They sat together for a while silently. Harriet caressed Paula's hair carefully.  
"He doesn't know it."  
Harriet looked up towards Mac, saw tears running again down. "What do you mean?"  
"He doesn't know that he is their father."  
Harriet stared at Mac not believing what she just heard. "Their father?"  
"Yes, he is their dad. Haven't you noticed the features the kids share, all three?"  
Of course she had, and she wondered but she had never given it a thought. She wondered but that was it. Everybody had probably seen them, but nobody dared to say a word. Not in the actual situation.  
"How?"  
"I went with them to the clinic and asked who the donor was and after a few minutes of arguing they told me. Harmon Rabb Junior. Navy Pilot. JAG lawyer. Dark and handsome."  
"You mean Harm is the twin's father?"  
"Yes he is and I haven't told him because I didn't know it till two days ago."  
"Where is Harm?"  
"I don't know. I gave up. I really gave up Harriet; I cannot pretend anymore that he will come back."  
"He will come back."  
"And? I cannot take him back again. Have you ever thought how I feel? Everybody only thinks about the kids, that they need a family and everything. But what about me?"  
Harriet couldn't say a word. She was right, everybody always wanted the babies to have a daddy and nobody had ever said a word about how Mac could feel, what could be going on in her mind. Nobody. Ever.  
"So how do you feel?" she asked softly as Mac put Paula down and was with the back to her, taking Tristan out of his crib.  
"Used. I feel used. Period."  
"Used?"  
"Yes how else should I feel? I am raising his baby. I let him touch me, love me. I thought everything was perfect, that I have found the family I never had. But after giving birth ... he just never came back. I learned to live with it. I learned to live alone. I don't need him anymore. I don't want him anymore. I cannot take him back pretend nothing has happened."  
"Mac..."  
"No, Harriet. Before he left he had asked me to marry him but I said it was too early, that Renee wasn't dead long enough yet." She took a deep breath. "Maybe it would have changed things when I said yes. Maybe. But I cannot change it anymore."  
Harriet nodded and sat a few minutes next to Mac before heading towards the door. "Will you come down again?"  
"Yes, just give me a few minutes to fresh up after I finished feeding them."  
"Sure."

* * *

"Mrs Rabb, can I talk to you?" Harriet asked Grams and together they walked towards the garden.  
She told her about the conversation she had with Mac. She told her about the babies' father. Grams didn't seem surprised, just a happy smile appeared on her lips.  
"You do not seem surprised, Mrs Rabb."  
"I am not Harriet, really not. Have you ever watched Mac, how she looks at Harm. She had told me about the insemination and I had the idea that the father would be somebody who looks like Harm."  
"She is very sad ..."  
"Would you not be? The man you love left you the moment you gave birth to his children."  
"He does not know it Mrs Rabb, she has never told him."  
"But ... There is no excuse for his disappearance."  
A few minutes went by and nothing was said.  
"Harm has once told me about Mac's alcohol problems in the past, do you think that she ..."  
"I thought about it too when I came to you."  
"Do you mean ...," Grams was in no need to finish the sentence when Harriet already nodded. Together they cleaned the kitchen and drained all the alcohol in the house, just to be sure.

* * *

It was Christmas time again. The time had gone on and nobody had heard of Harm, nobody. No word was said over the phone, no letter had arrived at Mac's residence. And Mac had given up, officially.  
She had started working again. She worked half time and the Admiral had found a new lawyer who shared the workload with her. Everybody tried to help her but she refused. Mac looked tired most of the time, tired, overpowered and lonely.  
Tristan was already able to run, the twins were into rolling around and some crawling – nothing much but they were on a good level for their age, all three. And now the girls and Tristan showed their similarities to the whole wide world.

Mac was sitting in the living room with a book, a crime novel she'd recently bought. Now that the kids were sleeping well at night she had nothing to do if there was no court next day or something complicated to prepare. So she went back to reading and she loved it. But Mac felt lonely, really lonely. A year ago, she had been sitting here with Grams and Trish, pregnant and hoping the best for her future. Now she was feeling like everything was gone. Sure she had three wonderful kids and she had put Harm's name in their birth certificate without knowing that they were really his. She wanted to make a point, put him officially into her life. But now, now she was sitting here in her dark blue Levis 525 and a white body fitting shirt, no underwear required. She was at home and wanted to feel home, home and wanted.

* * *

On the 20th she picked the kids up from the day care, bought some food and headed to her house. The moment she parked the car in the garage and put the twins out of their car seats she spotted a red sport car on the opposite side of the street. Slowly she put each girl on a hip, Tristan was running next to her and together they went into the house. She was afraid, afraid that she would see ...

"I thought you wouldn't be back for another hour," she heard the so familiar voice from the kitchen.  
She froze in place. She wasn't able to move. She just stood in the middle of her living room staring towards the kitchen.  
Harm came out in blue jeans and a black shirt. His hair was a little longer. He looked good but she told herself that she had been through a lot.  
  
Tristan was talking towards the man he hadn't seen in a very long time. Harm picked him up and swirled him around. Tristan giggled.  
Slowly Harm walked with Tristan on his hip towards Mac who hadn't yet said a word. He put a lock of Catherine's hair behind her ear. He tried to look into Mac's eyes but she had fixed a point on the floor next to him.

A few minutes later she turned away and walked towards her bedroom, on the middle of the stairs she stopped and looked at him.  
"You have the right to stay here. It's your house."

* * *

In the late afternoon Mac had made some calls, also talked to AJ. He didn't ask questions when she begged for help. She wanted another house, something that really belonged to her.

Two days later Mac was visiting three houses. None of them was as big as Harm's but she told herself that they were enough for the three of them. Harm would have to take care of Tristan himself now that he was back. He was his father! He doesn't know about the twins, she told herself every free minute.

Harm tried to get Mac talking to him but it was impossible. She had not told him which day care the kids went to but before he got up she was off, the kids away and brought them home with her, left Tristan with him and brought the girls to bed.  
The name of one of the girls must be Paula and the other was Catherine, called Cat. Both had long eyelashes, amazing eyes and a soft olive skin, like their mother.

Mac refused to see him, refused to talk to him or even answer the small letters he had put on the fridge. She was mad, really mad.

* * *

On Friday he had posted the message on the fridge that he would like to take the kids on a small trip on Saturday – her reply was to put a small packed bag in the kitchen with Tristan's toys in it for the day.

They had spent the day together in the museum. Harm showed him all the planes and the small boy was fascinated and called him "dada" with a cute smile. They looked like father and son.

But when he came home at around 5 pm the house was empty, every personal touch Mac had set was gone. Suddenly fear rose in him. He put Tristan in the playpen and ran upstairs – her bedroom was empty. The twins' things were gone. Nothing left.

Again.  
Again Mac had left.  
Left him alone.

Where was Mac?  
Fear rose again.

* * *

End part 7

_I know it's a little shorter but hm I have lots of University stuff to write at the moment. Soon, really soon, more to come._

_More? sure :)_

_Feedback also welcome: ms.parker (at) gmx.at _


	8. Part 8

**I surrender … I survive  
****Part 8**

Harm did not once ask himself if it was his mistake or not, he blamed himself already after the first night he spent with Tristan. His little son was bound to Mac and he wanted her. He was crying for his "mama" – and it sounded so wonderful to hear those words out of his little mouth.

After the third or fourth attempt, he called Harriet to ask for help and Harriet reacted coldly but still as a friend, and told him to take Tristan to bed with him.  
Of course he tried to ask her about Mac but he got no answer, no answer he wanted to her; the only thing he got out of Harriet was that Mac was working at JAG again. Period.

* * *

The weekend went well with Tristan. Harm and the boy went to see his Sarah and he told him a lot and they agreed that Tristan would be allowed to fly when he was older too. The boy envied his dad, but always asked for his mom at night, and big tears were shed.

Harm tried his best not to cry with him one night or the other but the boy calmed down as soon as he was cuddled against Harm's chest, his little head on his arm – both soundly asleep.

* * *

Not too far away, a mother nursed her hungry twins before bedding them. It was the only time of the day Mac was able to relax. She knew that soon she had to wean them, but up to this day, she would love this time. It was so personal, intimate.

Catherine and Paula. Her girls. Her family.  
Everything she could rely on now, the only reason to stay after all that happened. The only reason to surrender, to survive.

* * *

Monday came quicker as Mac and Harm had looked forward to it. Mac brought her girls to the day care and headed in her new uniform towards the office.

"Good morning," everybody said to her when she went to her office and closed the door behind her. She sensed that something was not well today. But what could it be?

She was working on a small case at the moment, nothing really important. Well of course she was prosecuting but the way it looked at the moment, they could work out a settlement because it was obvious to both sides that the Gunnery Sergeant was guilty.

And once she went to get some coffee, Mac saw him. Harm in all his glamour and passion – in his uniform talking to the admiral.  
Many scenes were running through Mac's head at the moment, between horror and thankfulness, between fear and happiness.  
Mac stood in the coffee room, only watching the two men talking erHer and shaking hands. Harm probably didn't see her, she hoped.

* * *

"Tell the …," the Admiral was about to say to Tiner.  
"She is already waiting to see you Admiral."  
"Send her in."

Tiner opened the door and Mac went in, greeted the Admiral in the official way and took a seat after he asked her to.  
"Get comfortable Mac. I know that this isn't going to be easy for you but Harm will be back to work from this afternoon. We need another lawyer and Harm is a good one. I got a letter from him a few days ago, asking for his job back. He would even give a rank back and take less salary and I cannot refuse such an offer. I have already talked to the SecNav and we agreed that we need him back – it is not about what I want Mac, believe me," AJ said, not looking at Mac for a minute. "I know that it will not be easy for you, especially after the last days but please," he took a deep breath, "try to work things out just as far as it concerns work."  
"I can be professional Admiral …"  
"AJ, Mac."  
"Okay, I can be professional AJ but don't ask for more than that. I cannot go back to the point before Paula and Cat, and I don't want to. So this relationship will only be work related. Do not expect more."  
"I knew that I could count on you."  
"Sure you can, always."

* * *

This particular afternoon she was at a meeting with Budd discussion and arguing over the comparison. Afterwards it was already 3.30 and she called the Admiral to tell him that she was picking the girls up earlier because of a doctor appointment. Though it was a flat lie, AJ didn't argue with her. He sensed that she would need some time for her to deal with the new situation.

At the day care she noticed Tristan sitting with her girls and the moment he noticed her, he was already running towards her and hugged her around her knees. She tried to be strong, but she just couldn't.

Paula was asleep before Mac had finished nursing her, Catherine took a little longer; a soft Iranian lullaby but not more. Slowly the dark haired women went to the kitchen to get some tea.  
The house was calm, just the soft tones of Maria Callas' voice filled the room; the dialogues of Carmen were dancing around softly.  
Suddenly the ringing of the door bell disturbed this silence. Mac nearly broke the cup in her hand in shock.

She looked at the watch on her wrist and headed to the door.  
She saw Harm standing with Tristan cradled against his chest at the door.  
She saw Harm, his shirt bloody.

Mac opened the door. And then she noticed that it was Harm's blood and not Tristan's as she had thought in the beginning.  
Without saying anything she took the boy from his arms.

"What happened?" she asked while putting Tristan down. He slung his arms tightly around Mac's neck and wouldn't let go.  
Harm was standing there, his white t-shirt full of blood, his jeans bloody. Not able to say a word, he was waiting for something to happen, something to make him speak.  
"Harm, what happened?"  
"The house …"  
Mac wasn't asking him where he had her address from. She knew that Harriet would give in after bugging her long enough.  
She stared at Harm, noticed that there was fresh blood too.  
"Tristan my dear, sit on the couch please, I will come to you in a second. No. Harm, wait a second." She was thinking. "You come with me, Harm." She brought Tristan to the girl's room, put him in Cat's bed and he snuggled towards her.  
Harm was standing in the doorway studying her.

She turned towards him, noticed the blood on his hand and on the door. "Come with me now, Harm. Bathroom."  
Her bathroom was large, a big bathtub, separate shower, two sinks and a large chest drawer. Everything was white there, looking antique even if it was new. But that was Mac's style – classic.  
Mac told him to sit on the edge of the tub; she brought a chair from her bedroom into the bathroom and moved him onto it.

No words were said when she pulled the bloody shirt over Harm's head. There were several cuts on his chest and backside.  
"What happened Harm?" Mac asked again while getting a wet cloth to clean his chest up. She tried again and another time but no reply. Harm was in shock.  
Mac cleaned his wounds, put ointment and a bandage over it and did the same with his neck and arms. The cuts weren't deep but still needed to be taken care of.  
She left him sitting in the bathroom while she looked after Tristan but the boy didn't have any cuts, only his father's blood . She redressed him into a larger blue shirt from the girls and put fresh diapers on him before putting him back to Catherine.

Harm was still sitting there when she came back with a dark t-shirt.  
"What has happened to you Harm?"  
"I saw something outside … I wanted to go outside but ran through the glass door, and fell …"  
"Oh my god, have you called the police?"  
"There was somebody outside …" He said between sobs.  
"Who?"  
"I don't know Mac, I was just so scared." She had never seen Harm crying not because he was afraid of something. This was out of his character, Mac thought. "I thought they would take Tristan from me." He took a deep breath and tears were running down his handsome face. "He is the only person I have left to exist for." As soon as he had said it, he knew that it had been wrong.  
Mac's heart shattered another time after she had heard those words. She had left the last time, again, because she couldn't bear it anymore. She had lost the trust in him, then trust in everybody. It was now only her and the girls, and her job. Nothing more and nothing less. Nothing you can simply lose.  
Against her own better judgement she buried his face against her chest, her arms tightly around him, letting him sob. She wasn't trying to calm him down. She knew that it had to come out. And he was crying. Like he had never cried before.

* * *

"Harm, we cannot stand here like that all night long. We still have a job to do tomorrow morning and you have to call the police."  
Harm backed away and noticed the look on her face, caring but distanced.  
"Maybe it is the best if Tristan and I go back home." He started to head to the girl's bedroom.  
"No you will stay here tonight, Harm. You came to me and now you are here and I will not throw you out."  
"But you left, Mac, and you are not talking to me anymore."  
"No? What am I doing at the moment?" She said and sat down on the sofa and patted the place next to her. Harm sat down and stared at the coffee table.  
"Why did you leave?" he nearly whispered.  
"Because we weren't meant to be, Harm. Didn't you realise it? You are always running from me and I have two girls to take care of. I cannot run after you like I did years ago. My life has changed."  
"Not meant to be …," Harm mumbled when he slowly walked to the window at the end of the room. Mac didn't get up at the same time but waited. "I always thought that we were meant to be together Mac. You and me, perfect couple."  
"But look Harm where we are. We may be in love with each other but we do not fit into each other's life." She said it and felt how she jabbed the knife further into her heart and twisted it around in there.  
"The time we spent together was amazing, Mac. Sarah, before the girls were born everything was so fantastic…."  
"Before you ran off again," she replied hard, turned around and headed towards her fridge to get a glass of milk. She lusted for something stronger, much stronger, but it wouldn't happen – not again, never again.  
"You have no idea how often I wanted to hear your voice again. Sarah…"  
"What do you want to hear from me? That I forgive you? That I forgive you running twice off leaving your son behind? No, I cannot forgive you and Renee wouldn't either."  
"Renee …," he sighed. "Renee isn't alive anymore. She never cared about Tristan. Do you think I never read that diary of hers? I read it and it was the last drop that broke the marriage apart. I never told her but I knew up from the moment which woman I had married." Mac didn't answer. "And she never cared for Tristan. The only reason I didn't get the divorce papers signed was because of the baby. She wanted to call him Harmon Rabb III., but it just didn't feel right to me, I refused. Tristan is the right name for him – sadness."  
Mac knew the meaning of the name Tristan, she had read "Tristan and Isolt" in school years ago. She also knew why he had picked the name, Grams had mentioned it – he wasn't conceived in love.  
"But you married her anyway and you left your son with me, twice Harm. He is your son and that will not change. Look at him – your eyes, your hair, your smile."  
"Nevertheless, this is not about Tristan, Sarah," he again called her by her given name. "This is about you and me."  
"And? There is a you and me but there is no us, Harm. What don't you understand?"  
"I just do not understand why," he said calmly with lots of pain in his voice.  
"Harm you left twice without a word. How should I survive it another time? I survived … I surrendered it twice. I will not be able to do it a third time. Once I the reason may have been your head trauma but I don't know about now and honestly said, I am not interested anymore. I have a life; I have kids to take care of. Harm, I need to take care of myself."  
"But I could …"  
"Break my heart again, shatter it in pieces. You know, you are damn good at that."  
"Sarah … "  
"No Harm, I cannot anymore."  
"But I love you."  
After she heard those words her heart started beating faster and tears shone in her eyes. "I never said that I do not love you anymore Harm, of course I do." In this moment she had to think about her girls and that he had fathered them. "But we cannot be together, we tried and it didn't work out. I do not know why and I am not sure why I do not want to know it. Maybe because I am afraid that you will rip healed wounds open again. But that …"  
"..you said I was just a friend," he blurted out.  
A pregnant pause filled the room. Mac leaned against the wall searching for the moment in her memory when she said that he was just a friend.  
The birth of the girls.  
She remembered the situation suddenly. She never thought he would recognise it, even notice it. She … she didn't know what to say now.  
"But why didn't you just talk to me," she asked a few minutes later.  
"I couldn't. What should I have said? Lets stay friends but lets fuck on a regular schedule?"  
"Harm …"  
"No Mac, you made yourself very clear before. We cannot be together anymore. Okay, it will not be easy but if you wish, your wish is my command," Harm replied dryly and headed back to his son.  
"You will stay here tonight Harm."  
"No, Mac I cannot."  
"You need to," said Mac staring on the floor, "we need to talk."  
"What more to say? I guess you said everything."  
"Harm …"  
"No Mac."  
"So it isn't Sarah anymore."  
"No."

Mac slowly went to the next door and opened it. She presented a bedroom with a PC in it and some bookshelves. "This is the guestroom. Just because I said you should stay here doesn't mean I would take you to my bed. How naïve do you think I am? You are hurt and Tristan needs his sleep."  
She pulled out some sheets from the linen cabinet and pulled them over, handed him some towels and left.

Harm didn't know what just happened. He was perplexed.

He walked to the floor and looked for her. The door to the nursery was open and he slowly walked up to it – and he noticed Mac in the rocking chair with a fussing Tristan on her chest, trying to calm him down.  
Tristan hadn't been a good sleeper the last weeks. He had often woken up in the middle of the night without reason. Harm hadn't been good at calming him down, he knew it.  
Suddenly he heard Mac's soft voice, "Go to bed Harm, its nearly morning. We'll be okay."  
"Will you be okay?"  
"I think so."

Harm went to bed but couldn't fall asleep. He heard Mac singing a lullaby for his son. Tears were running down towards the pillow. She had never differentiated between her babies and his, she would never do it.

* * *

It was shortly before eight when everybody was sitting around the kitchen table.  
"Dada," Tristan said and pushed his full spoon towards Harm. Harm just laughed.  
"No you have to eat that cutie."  
"Dada …"  
"No," Harm replied again softly.  
"He only wants to feed you as you normally feed him," Mac said over the shoulder finishing the coffee for both of them.  
And Harm opened his mouth and Tristan shoved the spoon into his dad's mouth. Afterwards he looked happy, this cute little boy.  
A few minutes passed till Cat looked at Harm and pointed her spoon towards him. "Dada," she said. The house was completely silent. "Dada," she protested again, shoving her spoon further towards Harm. After a few seconds of thinking he opened his mouth and let the spoon glide into it. "Dada," she said happily and giggled.

Mac had watched the whole situation from her position and said nothing. She was not sure if she should be happy or sad about her daughter calling Harm "dada". She was nervous.  
She slowly prepared the rest of the breakfast and packed the kids' stuff together for day care.

"Sit down and have a bite to eat Sarah," Harm said and pushed Mac towards a chair, she hadn't even noticed him coming.  
With that he put some toast and marmalade in front of her and her coffee mug. "Eat, I will change diapers of that small brigade," he said with a smile and Tristan walked next to him; the girls each on a hip to the nursery.

* * *

With the coffee in her hand, Mac studied him carefully when he changed Paula's diapers. Paula could be mad at the moment if you try to change them but Harriet told her that it was normal that they start getting noisy and all that at that age.

Anyway Harm did well.  
"Here you go cutie," Harm said and finished the last button. Paula stayed calm and seemed to study the man's face carefully.  
"Dada," she suddenly said with a smile.  
"No, I am not your dada cutie, I wish I would," he said and tickled her on her belly and the girl giggled.  
"But you are, Harm."

Harm looked towards the door. He didn't believe what he had heard. What did she say?

"What?"  
"You are their father."  
"But how …?"  
"The insemination clinic. You donated sperm, I searched for Mister Right." He stared at her in isbelieve. "I am one hundred percent sure about it Harm. I got the information from the clinic."  
"They aren't allowed to tell you …"  
"But they did. You have to live with it. Those two girls are yours."  
"I don't understand …"  
"What is so hard to understand Harm? I searched through all the files for a tall and handsome guy. That moment I wished you would have thought about our baby deal before jumping into the sack with Renee, but you didn't. I never planned for you to see me again, not me or the baby. It wasn't planned that I would get pregnant with twins but the chance is higher if you try with hormone therapy and the side effects are multiplied."  
"How long have you known?" He still stared at her in disbelieve.  
"For sure, not so long but I had the feeling already shortly after I went home with them and studied Tristan's baby photos. Have you never noticed the similarities between them?"  
He was in shock, not able to say one word. The few seconds he had seen the girls he hadn't had the chance to notice it but he studied Paula now, and Cat next to him and Tristan who just tried to give Cat a wet smack.  
He could only nod. They looked similar.  
Harm handed Paula to Mac and went towards the phone. He called the admiral to ask for a day off but not just for him, for Mac too. They needed to talk. There was a lot unsaid.

"Sarah, we have a day off. We need to clear things. I do not want to go back where we have been before I came here yesterday. But before that, I need to make some calls because of the broken glass at my house."

Mac only nodded. She didn't think that Harm would react like that. She thought he would be angry and run again, after the last time it wouldn't have surprised her.

* * *

"Let's pack them together and take walk to the playground."  
"It's too cold for the playground."  
"I don't want them to play Sarah, I want to walk a little with you, relax and talk."  
Mac only nodded in reply and started to dress the girls in their winter overalls and Tristan into an oversized one she got from Harriet – clothes from AJ Jr.

Together they walked a few miles towards a small wood near Mac's house. "How did you get your weight back down so quickly?" he asked softly.  
She had thought about many questions during the long silence between them but not this, of all ideas, this never sprang to mind.  
"Training. You left and I started running and weightlifting again, with some diet."  
"Just because I left?"  
"Probably not, Harm, but you made it easier."  
"Thanks …," he snorted.  
"I didn't mean to intend to say … you know what I mean."  
"No I don't."  
"Shit, Harm. I needed to get my mind off you and the fact that I was sitting alone with three babies and you far away. What the hell did you think?"

Silence filled the space between them again.  
  
"Do you still nurse the girls?"

"At night yes, sometimes in the morning when they feel full. They don't care but I should wean them soon."  
"But you seem to like it."  
"I do, you are right."  
"You always liked nursing Tristan. I remember you sitting in the rocking chair with your big belly and Tristan had one hand above your heart and the other was hungry holding your breast, and …"  
"Harm, stop it, okay." She remembered it very clearly herself and didn't need to be remembered. She saw herself in front of her. It was a, somehow, erotically image she had stored in the very back of her brain.

Mac knew that she had more on the bust-line as before and she liked it. She was always self confident about her décolleté; and she knew that some men only talked to her at bars because of the bust. But she also knew that she was more than breast. She was a woman, a passionate woman with a family to think of.  
She didn't want to be reduced to her body, she was more. She was much more. She was a woman, a mother.

He remained silent. They packed the kids together in the twin and one single stroller and went for the park.  
Nothing was said. Mac was deeply into her thoughts.  
"Speak to me, Mac."  
"What shall I say?"  
"What are you thinking about?"  
"None of your business, Harm, sorry."  
"If you don't tell me what is bothering you, I cannot help you."  
"Have you ever thought about the fact, Harm, that maybe you cannot help me anymore."  
"… not anymore?"  
"Yes, Harm, not anymore. What is so hard to understand? You made yourself clear. Twice. You left twice. I learned twice to be on my own. I don't want to go back to the fear again that you may leave tomorrow."  
"You are afraid …"  
"No Harm I am not afraid of it. But how would you feel? Somebody fucks you the one day, leaves the other without a word? Comes back and thinks everything will be as before?"  
"I never thought it would be as before. I know I made a mistake."  
"Oh you knew?" the sarcasm was clear.  
"Yes I did and I came back."  
"But it was and is too late."  
"But I love you."  
"And," she asked staring at him, stopping the stroller. "You have said that before, didn't you? As far as I can remember it didn't stop you from running."  
He had thought of many replies she could give him, but not this. When he came back from the shock she was 100 metres away with the twins.  
"Mac wait." But she didn't.  
Tears were running down her cheeks and it hurt because of the coldness of the air. She didn't stop. She didn't look back.  
A second later she was pressed against a tree, the stroller next to her, his mouth on hers, kissing her hard. Her mouth opened, her stomach betrayed her and his tongue was inside her. They kissed harder without stopping for fresh air. She was angry with him, it seemed clear.  
Mac hands were in his hair, her body pressed against his. She couldn't remember the moment her coat was opened but his hands were roaming her breasts, touching them roughly but also in his own way gently – the way she liked it. But he couldn't know "that" side of her. Her body was pressing tightly against his strong front. She couldn't get herself away from her. He didn't stop kissing her, touching her, thinking of her.

"I love you", he said separating from her, "never doubt that Mac, never." She didn't reply. She only stared at him. "No I do not just love you, Mac; I am in love with you." He looked into her dark eyes. "Don't say anything you don't mean now. You do not have to answer at all."  
"I mean …"  
"No Mac don't, please. You need probably time and that's okay."  
"I don't need time Harm. I have always loved you but …."  
Harm turned around and walked towards the strollers. The kids were asleep soundly. "I have always been in love with you. But we are just not meant to be together. Look what happened to us?"  
"What happened, Mac?"  
"We make each other unhappy."  
"You don't make me unhappy …"  
"I did. And you ran away."  
His eyes wandered from her toes up her body again, along the dark jeans and the thick woollen pullover, up to her soft face and the long hair which were pulled back in a pony tail.  
"I love you Mac."  
"Harm …"  
"No I want to tell you. I … I was afraid that you don't want me in your life. You said that I am a "just" a friend. I thought …"  
"Why didn't you ask? I didn't know that you are their father."  
"Their father," he mumbled.  
Mac came towards him. "I never stopped loving you but I realised and learned that we cannot live together. We only hurt each other."  
"You do not want to be with me. Okay."  
"Harm you have to understand, it is not about what I want but what is good for us and the kids."  
"To grow up with just one parent."  
"Harm, don't make it harder than it is, please."  
"But that is the truth. And I want you."  
"I cannot be your fuck buddy."  
"I don't want you to be my fuck buddy," Harm replied angrily, "I want you to be my wife."  
Suddenly there was a big silence between them.  
"Your wife?" she asked like a whisper.  
"Yes my wife, Mac."  
"Commitment?"  
"Yes, always you and nobody else."  
"But you never … I mean except … but …," she was stammering.  
"I once committed my life but for the wrong reasons. I want to be married to you. I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life. And I want more kids," he smiled at her, "okay maybe not tomorrow but soon. I just want you."  
"But I am coming in a package," she replied and pointed towards the twins.  
"I don't see a problem with that. They are also part of me."  
"Are you sure that you will not run away again? Harm, think carefully about it. As soon as you start running I am away with the kids forever and I will never come back again. The same thing will be as soon as I ever catch you with another woman."  
"You are jealous?"  
"Yes I am. If it comes to my man I am."  
"Okay, because I am too," he said with a huge smile on his lips.

* * *

End part 8

I know it took long and it isn't that good but anyway, more to come, for sure ;)  
More? sure ;)  
ms.parker (at) gmx.at


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